HEART WHISPERS [Lisrene]

열다섯째

I say I am fine but

Don't know what to do without you

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After that one time, I kept coming back to her room. However, I made sure no one was there when I arrived. This silly, stalker-like behavior continued until one day I went there only to find the bed empty. In that moment I felt the air leaving my lungs and I panicked in a way I never had before. I ran to the information desk and inquired about the girl and her family but was told they had left. With trembling limbs and a shaky voice, I mustered the courage to ask about the girl, was she alive? To my utter bliss I was told that she had woken up from the coma and was moved to a different room for recovery. They weren't allowed to give me any more information since I wasn't part of her family.

But I had my ways. I soon found out where she was staying and followed after her. She was indeed awake, lying on the bed with her head turned towards the window. She was gazing at the sky with an indecipherable look in her eyes. For some strange reason, when I looked at her, I felt as though she was very far away even if there were only a few meters between us; like she was somehow detached from the world. Just as I was contemplating what to do, she turned her head abruptly and watched me with cold eyes. That stare made me shudder and I ran away again, all embarrassed and flustered. That was the last time I saw her. After that, I couldn't come to the hospital for a while and by the time I was able to, she had already been discharged."

"Have you ever met her since then?"

"No, not until recently."

"Didn't you know her information? You've stalked her for so long but didn't even know her name?"

"I knew it, and I could have contacted her. But I didn't."

"Why?"

"Because I was afraid."

"Afraid? Of What?"

"In the morning of the accident I was returning from a club party. I had stayed out the entire night and at dawn I had called for the driver to pick me up. The poor man had barely slept the previous night due to another one of my escapades, and so he was sleep deprived. I didn't care about that and simply ordered him to come. That made me indirectly involved in this person's accident. She ended up spending a whole year in a coma because of my selfishness. I was afraid that she'd hate me for it, or that she would feel uncomfortable around me. Thus, I kept watching her from the shadows. Once I found out she became a novelist I bought several copies of her books." Siwon finished, revealing a small smile.

"What's the name of this person?" I asked even though I already knew the answer.

"Bae Irene."

"Oh. I understand now." I replied with a nod.

It was true that I was still a bit confused, though. This entire story seemed almost unbelievable. I never tried to find out more about what had happened or who was involved in that accident. It was hard enough for me to deal with the aftermath. For me to go around asking questions about what had already happened more than a year previously would have been a waste of time and effort. But even so, for Choi Siwon to be so closely involved... seemed unreal.

However, regardless of how incredible it sounded, based on Siwon's personality and the manner in which he spoke just now, it was obvious that every word he said was true. If that was indeed so, then this person sitting in front of me had been carrying this heavy weight with him for 15 years.

Feelings of guilt and remorse, wishing for redemption, he must have spent hours upon hours drowning in self-loathing. How is that living? And there are also those feelings he has for me. I may be presumptuous in thinking this, but I am sure these past 15 years must have been as difficult for him as it had been for me.