Claustrophobia (Boy x Boy) ✔

45) PSYCHOSOMATIC

*Cody Walker's POV

It's psychosomatic, get up, I coaxed myself. Today was the day we would go to the principal. I didn't think it would do us any good, but I had already made the promise. If going there made Ian feel better, I would do it for him. It was just that I didn't seem to be able to get up from the bed.

"I didn't know what you normally have for breakfast, so I made a little bit of everything." Ian peeked in from the door chink. 

"Mm." I mumbled and forced myself to sit up. I changed into my warmest hoodie and staggered into the bathroom. I washed my teeth and rinsed my face with cold water, but it didn't seem to help with the drowsiness. 

The creature that looked back at me from the mirror looked absolutely horrifying. It had messy and tangled hair, swollen eyelids, dark circles under its eyes and its skin had a strange grey-ish shade. It was sweating and it had to lean on the washstand to stay on its feet. I was having a hard time believing that creature was actually me.

When I finally made it to the kitchen, I slumped on my seat at the table. My throat felt like someone was brushing it with a feather from inside; it was so itchy and sore. I wasn't having a headache, not really, just this weird humming in my ears. 

"Coffee?" Ian asked. Wasn't it funny that we all worshipped this little plant we processed and brewed to get up in the morning.. It was like.. what's the word..

"Cody?" Ian turned to look at me, his eyebrows knitted.

"Mm?" I mumbled. Apparently that was the only way I could communicate this morning. 

"You okay?" Ian asked and rushed to me. Why did he look like that?

"Mm." I mumbled again. 

"Gosh, you're burning up." Ian exclaimed as soon as he touched my face. I leaned on the touch.

I wanted to tell him it was okay, that we could still go, but all I could get out of my mouth was: "Mm."

Then, somehow, I was back in bed, sweating and shivering under the thick blanket. 

His eyes had the shade of melted chocolate and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was the shyest of us and he didn't talk much, but I liked his eyes. I didn't know why, but somehow I yearned for his company more than any of my other friends'..

"Cody, you need to get up and take this." Ian was holding me up and made me take a pill with a sip of water.

I did all these little things for him: helped him to finish an essay, tutored him so that he wouldn't fail math or chemistry. All that just to get to spend more time with him. Being with him made me smile, it filled my chest with warmth..

I was coughing and Ian was fondling my cheek, his eyes filled with worry.

It took me a while, but one day it hit me: it was love. I didn't think about him as a friend and it worried me, because he was a boy. I built up the courage to talk about this to my best friend, the one I always turned to when I was in need of advice. Then I just blurted those words to Ian: 'I think I'm gay.' And he was cool with it. It was my biggest secret and I trusted it in his hands..

I was worried Ian would get sick too and I wanted to tell him that, but all I could do was mumble gibberish.

Everything was good for a while and remember how I even wanted the weekends to disappear, just to see him again. He didn't know anything about my growing feelings and I planned to keep it that way. I knew he wouldn't like me back, so I was content with having him as a friend..

It was getting dark outside.

I went to see Ian that evening and once I showed up at his door, he had tears in his eyes. It was full-blown chaos there: screaming, accusing, tears,.. I took Ian out with me, and he told me all about it. How his dad had cheated his mom with a man and how a part of him hated all the gay people because of it. 'Me too?' I remember asking and he said, softly 'Not you, I could never'. He asked me to keep it a secret and I promised without hesitation. That's what friends are for. They keep your secrets, no matter how dark or big..

Ian was laying on the bed, his arms around me and his body giving me warmth and comfort. 

I could see the panic in his eyes, when Bryce joked 'I heard a rumor that you're leaving, and that there's something gay involved in it'. I was just about to speak up for him, saying that he wasn't going anywhere, when Ian opened his mouth. 'The only gay involved in anything is standing right in front of you. Why don't you give your crush a kiss, Cody?' When he shoved me towards Bryce, Jeremy and Kaleb, they dodged me like I had plague. I could see from Ian's face that he already regretted it, when I stumbled on the ground..

"It's okay, you're safe, I've got you." Ian kept telling me over and over again. He was cradling me as I cried and took ragged breaths. My body was soaked with sweat. 

The joke was so stupid, something I've heard about a million times by now: 'And the only one who's leaving is him. He's going back to where he came from — in the closet.' Even then his eyes held only one word: sorry. I knew he didn't mean it, he had just gotten scared, thinking I would break my promise. It was just a stupid joke, something they could have forgotten in a day or two, if Ian had stayed there to fix it. Instead he left.

"Ian?" I whispered. The bed was empty and I was cold. 

I wasn't supposed to be with the chocolate eyed boy, the one who — after everything I did for him — spat on my face when I was on the ground. The one who blindly followed what he was told to do just so that he wouldn't be the one who was laying there. I was supposed to be with the one who came back for me. He got back and he stood up for me. I used to think it was too late, but now I know he came just in time. 

"Cody? You're back?" Ian rushed into the room, cupping my face with his hands and looking both worried and relieved. 

"Back? I'm pretty sure I have been right here all this time." I told him. My voice sounded throaty and congested, like I was down with the flu.

"At least you still have energy to crack jokes, that's good. You gave me a good scare." Ian smiled wearily and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"What day is it?" I croaked next. I sat up, arduously. It wasn't such a smart move, since I started coughing so forcefully it was a miracle my lungs didn't burst out of my mouth. I had to sneeze and snot too, which was not pretty.. And then I realised it was probably better to keep lying for now.

"Saturday. You've been out quite some time now." Ian murmured and pressed the back of his hand against my forehead. "You're still hot."

"Ugh, I don't feel too hot right now." I muttered and grinned weakly.

"Very funny." Ian grimaced and got up, disappearing to the kitchen. Then he was back with more medicines and a glass of water.

"Wait, it's Saturday.. I broke my promise." I frowned.

"You know, you don't always have to keep promises. If your friend is being an asshole and breaks his part of the promise first, you're allowed to tell his secret in exchange." Ian murmured. "And if you're down with a fever so high you become delirious, you can wait for a couple of days until you're back on your feet."