Facade | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

25 | Mistake

Shouto Todoroki

Three weeks had passed, and Todoroki found himself swallowing down a handful of pills after waking up, aftering finishing school, and before going to bed. What started as a few pills every day swiftly culminated into high doses of pills three times a day. Todoroki had never intended to root himself in his medications, but after realizing what he'd plagued himself with, he simply shrugged it off.

I really want to fucking die, Todoroki maundered in his head while plucking up the willpower to stomach the last of the food that Bakugou demanded that he eat. I'm so full. There wasn't even much to begin with. But I don't plan on ever getting better. It's too late for that. I'd rather put it all to an end than work to get better. Climbing up from here... It's just too much. I'll stay here in this familiar abyss. It's easier like this. He pressed his palm against Bakugou's desk to lift himself to his feet, but immediately, a wave of lightheadedness rammed into his body.

"Oi."

"What?"

Bakugou furrowed his brows and extended his hand to Todoroki. "Fuckin' cold. You know I'm not yer enemy, right? I'll always be your rival, but I ain't yer enemy. Shouto, c'mere." Ensconcing Todoroki into an embrace, Bakugou exhaled slowly.

Todoroki did not reciprocate the affection. "I'm not in the mood for this," he spat candidly while shaking Bakugou's embrace away.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I don't believe you."

"I wouldn't believe me, either, but I'm not lying."

"You've been acting really off more and more," Bakugou remarked after clicking his tongue. "Icyhot, regardless of what you wanna believe, it's hella concerning to me, and I want you to either get through this knowing that you gave it your all, or to go down knowing that you gave it your all." He brushed his arm against Todoroki's left arm, and although blatantly stifled, Todoroki winced. "Shouto..."

Todoroki felt nothing but numbness permeating his entire body. "This is why I told you I couldn't promise anything—I fucked it up in less than a day. I couldn't even go without cutting for one day. One fucking day..." He shakily began to hobble towards the door to Bakugou's dorm.

Katsuki, I know we're boyfriends now, but I still just can't open up. I still don't particularly want to be in this relationship because I'm a waste of your time.

Bakugou curled his fingers between the gaps of Todoroki's fingers. "Give yourself another chance."

"Why? I'm going to fuck it up."

"You don't know that."

"Let go."

"No."

"You're making a mistake. You're fighting for a mistake. You're loving a mistake that lies to your face every single day. Do you not realize how almost all of our conversations are about depressing topics? I do nothing but burden you with my own problems, and yet, you're still holding me so close. Katsuki, I want nothing more than for you to leave me, our relationship, and our friendship behind. I—"

"Do you even understand that only an absolute asshole of a good-for-nothing shithead would leave you when you're like this?" Bakugou snarled tempestuously. "Do you know why I'm with you? Why I've chosen to spend my time with you and only you? Because I fucking care about you. Because I want you to live. Because I want you to not be miserable. Maybe I'm an asshole, but I'm still human, and it'd...it'd do more than just break me to lose you. You understand that, right?" His augmented conviction had simmered into a whisper.

Todoroki tipped his head forwards while leaning back into Bakugou's chest. "I want to die," Todoroki remarked with unparalleled, steadfast insouciance. "I just want to fucking die. I want to be forgotten once my existence is erased, but I know that's not going to happen. I'm...so sick of this. I feel so fucking helpless and useless. I want it all to disappear. I don't want to keep being a burden to the world and everyone I know, but that's all I ever manage to amount to." He paused for a moment as his boyfriend twined together their hands again. "But I... I'm so conflicted. I'm so confused. I'm so lost. Knowing how much you care about me, I resist the horrible urges.

"But how could you care so much about me? Is all of this just a lie? But what right do I have to think like that? You're always here for me. You're always helping me. You're always so fucking kind... How do I deserve that? How do I even deserve happiness? I don't. No matter what you say, I just won't believe you. You're my reason to keep living, and yet, I don't deserve you, and all I am is a weight on your shoulders because of the fact that I am the way I am right now. You don't deserve to be burdened like that." Inhaling deeply and exhaling languidly, Todoroki began to feel as though the ground had dissolved into steam, and that that steam was condensing inside him and adhering to his lungs; his body sank from the weight of feeling weightless.

The words just poured out of me... Todoroki began to rebuke himself as Bakugou hoisted him up so that his legs straddled Bakugou's hips. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I know he already knows, but the fact that I admitted to it... Pathetic. How often I use 'pathetic' is pathetic.

Finally, as the thickening droplets of the heavy, tenebrous atmosphere seemed to encompass wholly the room, Bakugou's chest spasmed with a conglomerate of emotion as he tightened his embrace around Todoroki. "But...ain't it my kindness that's gotten us here?" he whispered, but his voice trembled from the sobs he restrained. "To a future where yer alive... I worked my ass off to break your facade of indifference, but don't think I didn't notice when it started to come back. Despite that, I still got you to open up...even just a little bit. You're telling me how you really feel, Babe... The fact that you've told me you want to die is, how I see it...a sign that you're crying for help."