Facade | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

29 | Liar

A/N:
I am so sorry about the massive delay on this chapter—

Katsuki Bakugou

Fifteen minutes crawled away before Bakugou called his boyfriend on the phone. Cold sweat slinked down his back as he deliberated over whether or not to check on Todoroki. All the while, his phone continued to vibrate in his hand as he apprehensively waited for Todoroki to pick up the phone.

I'm hoping that my gut's wrong and he's unharmed, Bakugou inwardly muttered. Probably wrong. No. I don't trust him by himself. A few seconds is all he needs to slit his wrists. C'mon, asshole, pick up... I'm legitimately fucking worried, Shouto. His mind transiently flickered into a blank state of vacuity as a muffled hiss replaced the buzz of the phone.

"Icyhot?! Where the hell are you?!" Bakugou snarled while slamming his free hand against the table, but he flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder; he whipped his head around. "Oh my fucking God. You asshole! Do you know how fucking worked up I got over you disappearing on me like that?! And how long have you been standing there for?" He hung up the phone, slamming the device face-down on the table.

A slender smile poked Todoroki's cheeks. "So, you were worried about me?"

Bakugou smeared his expression into a thrawn lour as he cast his gaze aside. "I never said that." His eyes drifted back to Todoroki, who was crouched down to match Bakugou's level. "Now answer the damn questions!" He stood up from the chair, but he still was unable to match Todoroki's height.

"I'm right here, I can see how worried you got over me, and I've been standing here for quite a while," Todoroki slovenly replied, but his voice was somewhat hoarse. "Sorry I took so long. Endeavor called me, and the bathrooms are further than I thought they were. And yes, I was safe, Katsuki. I can say that with confidence. This is the longest I've gone without it for quite a while." He inhaled and exhaled deeply.

"Tch. Well, be goddamn proud of that, you hear me? I know it ain't easy, but yer puttin' in the effort, and it's payin' off, right? You're making your own personal record right now. But, oi. Yer face is red, and you look tired."

And he's suddenly so chatty. He was silent this whole fucking time until we sat down here, and now, he's the one talking my leg off.

Todoroki was silent for a moment. "It's... I..." He espied his bowl of soba. "You know why."

"Right now, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I almost passed out walking back here. And unless you have anywhere you need to go, I don't have the energy to go anywhere other than the dorms."

Oh, I get it. "'Kay, I hear you. Why don't you finish..." Todoroki subtly shook his head. "You hardly ate anything. You gotta eat more than a few bites." Bakugou furrowed his brows.

Shaking his head once again, Todoroki slid his nails across his left wrist. "I can't right now. I..." His blinking hastened. "I'll... I'll pay for everything. I... C-Can we go back?" He dug his nails into his wrist.

I know he's desperate when he actually asks to do something, Bakugou drawled internally. He's all stuttery now. Damn, and he seemed to be doing great when he came back from the bathroom. Look who fucked up his mood again.

"Course we can. I dunno about you, but I had a great time. And you're not paying for shit. C'mon." Bakugou patted Todoroki's shoulder and gathered the bags that once sat at his feet.

Relief returned a tenuous wash of pigment to Todoroki's face as he nodded. "Thank you..."

Once the two stepped into Todoroki's dorm, Todoroki immediately collapsed into his futon. Bakugou set the bags down by the door and sat beside his lover.

"You doin' all right?" inquired Bakugou with solace as he gently wove his fingers through Todoroki's hair.

Todoroki nodded. "I'm just tired..." His sonorous voice was drained of its typical intensity.

"You sound...sad."

"I'm fine, Katsuki. I just want to sleep."

"I don't believe you."

Todoroki flinched and buried his face into his pillow. "Why? That's really all I want..." His body spasmed from his sporadic, choked breaths.

You fucking liar, I know you're hurting on the inside. "Do you think I'm gonna fall for the 'I'm fine' shit?" asseverated the ash-blonde. "You're still pushing me away. I just want to help you. It's so damn hard to do that when all I see is the facade you always wear. Why...do you still press it so tightly to your face when you and I both already know the secrets you hide with it?"

But I'm a liar, just like you, Shouto. I hate it, so...I'll come clean soon.

"It's...not a facade." Todoroki's words were like a shivering line of emaciated animals collapsing in succession.

"Liar..."

"Then tell me what the truth is."

Bakugou gripped Todoroki's shoulders and flipped him around so that Todoroki faced him. "You don't feel indifferent anymore," Bakugou remarked in a husky whisper while sieving the crystalline petals that flowed from Todoroki's eyes. "You're sad—real fuckin' sad. Maybe you're denying your own emotions, but they're still here. No matter how many times you tell me you're fine, fake a smile, or lie about how terrible you feel inside, it won't change how you really feel. When you deny yourself the right to express how you feel, the feelings fester. Then, you look for ways to dampen those feelings and voices coursing through you. One of the ways is self-harm. But...I know there's something else you're hiding from me. What is it, Shouto? Is it alcohol? Is it drugs?" He wiped away Todoroki's tears as they continued to relentlessly snake down his cheeks.

Despite how his frail body trembled, how his hoarse voice began to shatter, and how his glassy tears cut the natural hue of his facial skin tone with one more akin to blood, Todoroki laughed through a ponderous smile. "I did such foolish things for so long...and I knew they were foolish, but I kept doing them and building on them. Then...I became the fool that fooled my old self into believing that I could fool others into believing the foolish lies I had to tell. But I never realized that I've been nothing more than a fool until recently. I've become the lies I've told. Not just how I act, but how I am and who I am. Through and through, I'm a filthy, undeserving, worthless liar. I lie to you, I lie about myself, I lie to myself, and I do it without realizing it most of the time. Who knew just a few lies would ultimately dismantle my identity? Katsuki...

"I keep having these sudden waves of feeling so utterly worthless, helpless, and pathetic. I don't know how words can possibly describe it. It's painful enough just to remember, no less admit it and expatiate it. My chest sinks, my focus fizzles out, and my head starts to fog up with an intense, hot cloud of thought. It aches. It throbs. It pulsates. It just rattles in my head and shakes through my chest. It tells me to die. To kill myself. To end it all. I just...can't fight it. It used to come intermittently and rattle around my head for a few torturous seconds, but now, it feels like I'm trying to hide from an intruder that's scouring every nook and cranny of my mind for the holes in my defenses. It circles my head and stares at me. I know it's there. It won't go away. It's slowly dismantling my home—my safe place. But what will happen when it's torn everything down and nothing is left?"