HIS Young Mate: "Sequel to Her Young Mate"

Part Forty Four: Truths

We get to Durst's room and drop into his bed without hesitation. I have no energy to argue his show of dominance or over protectiveness. I have no energy for anything. I was tired when I sat outside, and after running for half an hour on top of that I'm basically the walking dead at this point. Durst on the other hand seems suddenly full of energy. I know what it's like to turn wolf during even the earliest hours of the day. It gives you incredible energy. Usually I feel confused, energetic, angry. Durst apparently isn't immune to those feelings, as he's pacing back and forth, and obviously upset. "Durst, please come lay down."

"I will. Just- I'm processing a lot, please let me have some time. I don't want a repeat of yesterday."

"Okay," I say, as I pull his blanket around me. He's right, a repeat of yesterday when we argued would be bad for both of us. I have a lot to work through on my own, but right now I'm too tired. I fall asleep watching him pace, falling in and out of consciousness. I wake because I hear him mutter, I fall back asleep. I wake because I hear his glass clink as he pours himself a drink. I fall back asleep as I watch his glass touch his lips as he peaks out of the curtain covering his door. I wake and cover my eyes a bit, because he's opened the curtains and is sitting on the floor in front of the glass door, and the sun shines in my eyes. I blink them closed and fall asleep again. The last time I wake I see that his face is against his arms in the same spot he was in, his knees up closer to him, and I wonder if he's asleep, but then I watch him rub his eyes against his sleeve. I don't hear him cry, or sniffle, but I'm pretty sure that he is trying not to, and has wiped away any evidence. I don't draw any attention to it, but do call out, "Durst, come to bed... please?" And he does come to bed, and wraps me up so tightly in his arms that I almost want to tell him to let go, but instead I succumb to the stifling comfort and warmth, falling into a deep sleep.

When I wake Durst is already up, and getting his shoes on at the edge of the bed. "Durst? What time is it?" I say groggily.

"It's almost time for training. I let you sleep through breakfast, but brought you some. Everyone is debriefing, so no rush."

I sit up. "I should be out there- we shoul- shit!-" I stand up and throw my hair up, throw my pants back on.

"Lavender, it's okay. No decisions are being made, or orders given. I've told Alpha what I know, and he's just relaying what we know from this morning. I made sure if anything had to be decided that Daniel knew to talk to us about it first, we're Betas now- and he knows it."

"And are you... are you okay with that now?" I ask him. I feel nervous to talk about any of our problems. Afraid to open that can of worms at any capacity. He reaches his hand out towards me and I take it, and when I do he pulls me close to him and I get on his lap, as he puts his head on my chest. He sighs a deep sigh, as I wrap my arms around him. I feel the tenseness in his shoulders relax.

"I'm okay with it, I'm proud of you, and I'm an idiot for getting so mad." He says as he nuzzles into my chest. "You're stronger than I could ever be Lavender... in ways that I can't fathom... and I'm just trying to keep up. I should have trusted your judgment- even if I could have used a heads up. I really could have. I could- you could- Lavender... of all the people in the world you should trust to tell- to tell anything to- it should be me. Right?" He pulls back from my chest to look up at me, and I can tell now that he isn't talking about me wanting to be Beta. I get off of him, sit next to him, he leans down on to his elbows, and he rubs his forehead before putting his hands in a praying position against his mouth. His mind is racing like it was this morning, I can tell that much, and mine is doing the same. I was hoping we could just never have this conversation, but I knew that wasn't possible.

"Durst... there's things I don't want to deal with... so I push them away. I run away. I get away from them as fast as I can and I stay away from those feelings or problems... and I don't know what else to do. If I stop to think about them... it just hurts." I stumble in my words as much as he just had, and I begin to ring my hands, sweating, thinking of doing just what I'm talking about. I want to run. I wish Beckett were here to tell me it was okay, to just go, but he's not, and I can't. I want to, but I also know I have to face this now. If not now, soon. If not soon, eventually. I guess now works.

"I don't think I'll ever know a greater heartache than the one I feel for the thought of what our kids would be like. What they'd look like, what they'd end up being, how many we'd have, the life we would build for them... It's gonna be the hardest thing I'll ever have to overcome. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping that we'd be next to announce that we have a pup in this litter. That we were going to have more than just our own feet running around the halls of our future home... But it's you- above everything else in this world- that I want," he turns towards me, grabs my hands, then touches my face so I look at him. "More than a big family, or the house, or the pack- any of it. You're my family now, and I don't need anything, but you. You're enough- more than enough- Lavender." He rubs his thumb across my cheek and kisses me tenderly. I push my face against his chest and he pulls me into a hug.

"I wish I could- I wish I could give you everything you want-"

"You already have." He rubs his hands across my back and kisses the top of my head. "We're gonna get past this. When it hurts we'll have each other. Now that I know, you don't have to shoulder this alone. I'm here for you, and I always will be. No matter how far you run, I'll follow, as long as you want me. I'll keep trying to make you happy. That was my promise to you when you became Mrs. Callahan. You're my wife, and that means forever to me."

I nod as he squeezes me again, but I pull away and look him in the eyes, ready to tell him the truth of how I feel, even if it doesn't go well.

"I can't make any promises Durst... that I won't run again, or that I will always tell you what I'm going through, that I'll always want others to be there for me. That I'll keep a level head. That I can be the wife you want me to be-"

"Like I said Lavender, you're enough. Just the way you are. I want you to be a wildflower always, and I'm happy knowing you always can be, without anything holding you back. I'll always be here to watch you run, and dance, and fight. If I get in your way I'll fall back, and listen, and let you go. Right now I need you close, to protect you- but I'm not a fool. I know you can protect yourself. I know you're wild, and strong, and prideful. I'm just here to enjoy the ride with you."

Everything he was saying made me feel so seen, and heard, even though I tried so hard to keep everything bottled up. I pushed him away and he held on. I told him my horrible truths and he took them in stride. He's seen me at my worst, my best, everything in between. He was constant, and headstrong, and steady. He was everything I couldn't be, and it made me want him in ways I never thought I could imagine. He was my rock, and my safe place, and my comfort. He smelled of fire, and leather, and I when I nestled against him he felt like home.

"I don't think I've ever loved you more." I whisper as he rocks me in his arms.