The Accidental Donor

20

Theo

I could hear the sound of my heartbeat echoing around me.

I could feel the sweat drip from the Palms.

I was going to meet my son.

The son I didn't know I had.

As soon as I heard him cry I felt a small wave of fear take over me.

What if Julian didn't like me? What if in some way he blamed me for Lewis abandoning him?

Part of me wanted to just run and get him, but I knew I at least needed to take a quick shower.

There was a small half bathroom inside my office. Oliver immediately ran to it and turned on the water. He used the hand soap and the water to wash as much of his skin as possible.

I just watched him.

I didn't know why I was doing that but in a way it made me happy to see that he was on parent mode. I'm sure a lot of parents have to do something like this so that they're somewhat clean. No parent wants to smell like sex when they have a rush and soothe their crying child.

The hand towel that was just for decor made its way to drying Oliver.

"Shit I still need to get dressed." Oliver said

I kept some clothes in the office and I went to the cabinet to get them. There was a pull over sweater and some joggers.

The clothes practically drowned Oliver and I loved the sight of him wearing something of mine.

"You need to wash up!" Oli said and he shooed me into the small bathroom.

It was like my mind was foggy and my body moved in slow motion. The feeling the water on my skin was soothing and the scent of the hand soap smelt overly strong in this moment.

I knew it was just my nerves because I had specifically chosen this scent because of how mild it was. When I was going through chemo string scents would bother my stomach and this was the only soap that didn't bother me.

I don't know how long I took to wash up but it felt like a long time.

The only clothes I had left in the cabinet in my office was a fitted T-shirt that I used if I was going to go to the gym and a pair of shorts.

Getting dressed meant that I was one step closer to meeting my son.

Each step I took towards the door made me feel like the walls were moving closer to me.

I'm no stranger to panic attacks. I've had them before.

I shouldn't be feeling this way. Julian is my son. I shouldn't be having a panic attack over this. He needs me to be strong. He needs me to be level headed and show him that he's safe here.

How can a child feel safe if they see their parent freak out like this?

By the time I opened the door it was like the clouds had passed.

The sound of a child's laugh radiated through the apartment. It was so strange.

There was a time where this place would be quiet and the Silence was overpowering, but that laugh, it was like a sunrise. Beautiful, Welcoming and happy.

"No no oli. M big. No pwill ep" Julian laughed and I watched him run and jump on the sofa

"I know you're big but you had an accident. You're so big that you get to choose which pull up you want." Oliver laughed as he flopped on the sofa next to Julian