Till The End

14

Warnings:
-Panic attack (fear of throwing up)
-Chemotherapy

Clay's POV

It was a week and a few days later and I had a blood test and a biopsy yesterday to see if the cancer cells had been going down a tiny bit. I was waiting on my bed for the results and sighed softly as I lifted myself up.

Last week I got pretty strong medication. Since I was young and used to be fit and healthy they could treat me with three different types of medication instead of two. I would maybe get even stronger medication if the cancer cells didn't go down and then go through another week of chemo.

I laid down again and turned to my side to look at my dad as I suddenly felt something prick my cheek. I lifted myself up and looked at my pillow, getting startled.

'Dad,' I whispered as I grabbed his hand and pointed at my pillow full of hair. 'My hair.'

My eyes filled with tears as I tried to clean my pillow and then lifted my hand up to my hair. I softly pulled it, returning my hand to look at it. My hand was full of hair which caused me to start crying softly.

'Honey,' my dad mumbled as he pulled me closer. 'It's okay, sweetheart. I've already bought beautiful beanies and hats for you.'

'I don't want to lose my hair,' I cried as I grabbed his hand tightly. 'I like my hair.'

'Come here,' my dad comforted me as he pulled me close. 'Do you want me to pull the loose hairs away so you can lay down?'

I nodded slowly and he let go of me, running his hand through my hair. I closed my eyes since I didn't want to see all the hair he was holding, putting it in my bucket.

'Is it a lot? Be honest, please,' I questioned with a soft sniff after that.

'Do you want to see it, honey?' my dad asked as he grabbed his phone. I nodded and he held his camera in front of me, causing me to pout as I saw the reflection.

'Maybe it's better if I shave my head,' I proposed with a quiet and sad voice. 'Can I keep my hair for a bit longer?'

'Of course, let's firstly wait for the results, okay?'

I wiped my tears away and curled myself up, holding George's bear tightly against my chest with a sad face. 'I like my hair.'

'Your hair is going to grow back even more beautiful than it used to be!' my dad comforted me, holding my hand.

'Okay,' I whispered. I was about to close my eyes as a doctor walked in and looked at me.

'I have the results and I have to be honest. They weren't great,' he started.

I looked at him and immediately felt my eyes fill with tears again. I wanted to be healthy again.

'It seems like the lymphoma spread to your bone marrow and we need to give you even stronger drugs. This also means you'll get more symptoms and maybe we have to give you a tube since eating might be difficult,' he summed up.

'Throwing up?' I squeaked, feeling panic fill my body.

'You'll be nauseous but we will look for the right medication combination. We need to start right away.'

He smiled and then walked off, letting my nurse into my room. She was holding a bag and attached it to my IV pole, connecting it to the IV in my hand as I started screaming.

⚠️ Panic attack (fear throwing up)

'NO, I DON'T WANT TO. I'M GOING TO THROW UP,' I screamed as I pushed her away from me.

She was about to start the chemo as I started to cry and kick around me.

'I CAN'T,' I yelled as I felt my chest tighten really badly. I couldn't throw up, I was so incredibly scared right now and I just wanted to run away.

There was so much panic in my body that I continued screaming as she turned on the chemo. She smiled at me and tried to calm me down but I didn't even hear her. Everything went in slow motion and I could only think that I was going to die if I threw up again.

I was hyperventilating and my vision got blurry. It felt like someone wrapped their hands around my throat and choked me while putting a tight band around my chest.

'PLEASE, LET ME GO,' I screamed with all the air I had.

I couldn't resist myself any longer, I needed to get away. I pulled the IV out of my hand and threw it on the ground, running to the door.

I started running away, slamming the door behind me as I immediately heard it open again while people ran after me.

I continued running while I cried really loudly but was so exhausted that I fell down on my knees, looking up to see my dad and my nurse run up to me.

'I don't want to go back,' I whispered. 'Please.'

'Clay, you need to get better, honey,' my dad answered as he held my hand.

'I'd rather die, dad. I can't deal with this anymore, this is my greatest nightmare,' I sniffed. 'I'm not going back.'

'Sweetheart,' my dad tried.

'NO, I'M NOT GOING BACK,' I screamed, causing a door to open.

⚠️ Worst part over (there's still talk about throwing up)

I slowly looked up while I was crying loudly. I wiped my tears away and blinked a few times so I could see who the person was and then saw it was George.

His face was even paler than it was before and he swallowed as if he was nauseous.

'Clay,' he mumbled. 'What's wrong?'

My dad started explaining everything to him and George sat down on the floor next to me. 'Do you want to go back together? Listen, Clay. I know you feel like dying but if I say this really harshly, you will die without chemo and you won't die because of throwing up, okay? You NEED chemo to survive.'

I looked at him shortly and pouted, resting my head on his shoulder. 'But you don't understand how awful it is,' I whispered.

'I do, Clay. I do understand it.'

'But how? You're-.'

He was quiet for a little and grabbed my hand as he pointed at his veins, showing small wounds which looked like they were from an IV.

'I have cancer for the second time,' he then admitted with a soft voice.

1096 words

Summary:
Clay panics when he gets even stronger chemo medication because he's really scared to throw up and then runs away