I Want You So Much (But I Hate Your Guts)

Chapter 11

Maybe it was the fact that after parting by Harry's car late on Friday afternoon Louis had not seen the Alpha again, or maybe it were the million things that had flitted through Louis' mind since then, but where Louis had been confident and happy and overbrimming with joyful anticipation of what was to come at the beginning of the weekend, he know felt nothing short of dreadful.

And it wasn't fair!

Because he wanted to be confident and happy and overbrimming with joyful anticipation. Because Harry had kissed him again, and Harry had held his hand over the gearstick of his car as if they were part of a freakin' romcom movie, and Harry had smiled when he had bid Louis goodbye — a kind of secretively elated smile that Louis hadn't seen before on Harry's handsome face but now felt he wouldn't want to miss.

Everything had been fine — perfect, even — on that rainstormy Friday. But now it was Sunday evening, everything felt grey and cold, Louis had a History exam first thing the next morning for which he felt only moderately prepared and he hadn't talked to anyone in roughly 48 hours. Doubt was wreaking havoc in his mind.

Weirdly, it wasn't Harry's feelings or Harry's sincerity that Louis fretted over, alone in his bed and gnawing on his lower lip (that same lip that Harry had bitten so tenderly only days before) at a time that he should long be asleep at, since he would fare better being fully awake and well rested for his exam. Instead, he felt like mourning.

Because being with Harry was impossible, wasn't it?

It was ridiculous how he hadn't thought of it before, really, but now that he and Harry had come as far as to admitting that there were undeniably feelings sparking between them, it seemed for the first time he was thinking clearly enough to view the bigger picture. A picture that he had managed to completely overlook, as it seems. What exactly it is that he had overlooked? Well, mostly the fucking impossibility of it all.

It was almost funny how little feelings mattered in the grand scheme of things, after all. And really, Louis never even considered feelings of any romantic kind to feature in his life's story, but even less did he contemplate that he once would have to look at the grand fucking scheme of things. It was a terrible misjudgment on both accounts, obviously.

But here he was, surprisingly and also quite unsurprisingly head over heels infatuated with Harry Styles. Harry Styles, who coincidentally was the captain of the football team Louis hoped to break-through with. Meaning: Harry was his boss, however strange that sounded. It wasn't any less true, though. Harry was his superior, a person who could actively influence his career, could make decisions that could alter the course of Louis' entire life. And with that being so, it would be just plain stupid to admit to any kind of relationship that went beyond friendship — at least, if Louis ever hoped to make it out of university football and into an actual league team, and without being teased and bullied for "sleeping his way up".

As if that wasn't enough of an obstacle for any relationship — and they hadn't even established that yet, had they, a relationship —, just add to it the fact that Harry was an Alpha and Louis pretended to be a Beta, while he was in fact an Omega that played in a team strictly reserved for Alpha and Beta players.

See the problem yet?

Because to Louis it was so glaringly obvious all of a sudden that he felt like hitting his head against a wall for being so ignorant to it before. Like, honestly? And it wasn't as if Louis had, for one blissful moment, forgotten how little he actually belonged to the team, how big of a risk he was taking by swindling his way into it, how much it all could cost him should he ever be discovered — no, that has always been plain and clear to him, he couldn't forget it if he tried.