I Want You So Much (But I Hate Your Guts)

Chapter 12

Coming home for Christmas break was a sheer blessing, because looking back on it, Louis felt as if he'd spent the entire first half of December in agony. In between his mid-terms and facing Harry almost everyday on the training pitch, the only good things that happened to him were the two matches he got to play in. That the both of them were wins felt like nothing more than the ripest, sweetest cherry on top of an entire wasteful, inedible cake.

Football was the one thing that kept Louis' spirits up, but it was hard to wholeheartedly enjoy the work-out, the banter with boys he now called friends, the domination of the field with his feet on the ball, when at the same time his love and dedication to the sport was the one reason that denied him happiness in the only other aspect in life that suddenly seemed to matter to him.

His feelings for Harry, now acknowledged and therefore undeniable, were a source of a constant aching in his chest.

It wasn't easier that Harry returned these feelings, no matter how flabbergasting that appeared to Louis as times, when it just made Louis realise that the both of them were hurting with it.

Entering the locker room every weekday, meeting Harry's cloudy eyes, returning his dimple-missing-smiles that never felt whole, was torture. He wanted nothing more than to follow the overwhelming urge to throw his sports bag to the ground and fling himself at Harry, neither caring for their teammates, nor for their careers. It was frightening, how easy it was to forget about football in its entirety, when before, Louis couldn't go two hours without picking up a ball, or running through a tactical manoeuvre in his head. Frightening, because before university, before Harry, football was the single most important thing to him. It had been worth sacrificing everything for, twice over even. And although Louis didn't regret a single choice he made, not really, he couldn't fight against the emptiness that at times flooded through him when the ball bounced of his feet.

No matter what, football would never love him back, and maybe that's an essential thing in life, somehow — not only loving, giving, sacrificing, but receiving all that in return, too. Louis thought himself nothing but stupid for never realising before that there was more to life than this sport. A few months ago that would have sounded absurd to him, now it was a heavy truth pressing down on him.

Getting to flee from the overwhelming chaos of feelings and football at the 20th of the month was nothing but sweet relief. Seeing his mum, his sisters and Ernest, getting some good hugs and cuddles in there — it was the most soothing thing that Louis could imagine, short from Harry himself showing up on his doorstep and whisking him away into a universe where it didn't matter what gender they identified as, where nothing but talent, persistence and devotion were required to play in a professional football league that anyone actually cared for. It shouldn't be too much to ask for ...

Not even turning older on the 24th bothered him much, and that was saying something, because apart from being found out for being an Omega, there was nothing he dreaded more than growing old. He was just glad to be with his family, which allowed him to avoid thinking about the kind of lonely life he apparently had to lead — seeing as he would never be able to out himself as Omega so long as he was playing football and therefore never would be able to have an open and honest relationship with ... well, anybody, really. It never occurred or troubled him before, and part of him cursed Harry for making it all so blatantly obvious, for showing him what he was missing out on, not to never be forgotten again.

His mum had made him the fanciest birthday cake, he got the biggest box of Yorkshire tea known to mankind from his sisters, a three-month ration of suppressants from his mum and Dan among some gift cards for clothing stores, which was not only thoughtful but so needed. Once again it made him aware how fucking hard it was to live life as an adult, all the shit one had to provide for. Not that his family didn't still pay for all his expenses anyway, but it made Louis feel slightly less guilty that his mum didn't spent money on him for stuff that he didn't truly need, but instead went about it all practically without making it appear that way.