Jelix

Should I Go?

Felix's POV

I stare at the computer screen in front of me with a blank expression. My hand was balled up into a fist over my mouth and holding my head up. To an outsider, I may have looked calm, unless of course they focused their attention on my leg, which was bouncing madly under my desk. I was far from anything near calm. I can't upload this video. It's complete horse shit. All of it. Just like the last one I tried recording. And the last one before that. But I have to upload something. It's been weeks.

My eyes land on my own face in the video. Christ, I was a mess. The bags under my eyes were only getting darker. I look like I could use a long ass shower as well. And maybe a few meals. I can't let people see me like this. My jaw clenched and I gave the desk a good punch with the side of my fist, causing the whole desk and monitor to shake. Letting out a loud sigh, I close out of all my windows and turn the stupid thing off.

If I'm being honest, I haven't been doing too great. As if that wasn't obvious. I haven't talked to any of my friends in a while. I'm sure they're worried. Then again, I haven't even bothered to check if they've been trying to get ahold of me. I've kept my phone off this whole time. Who knows. Maybe they haven't even noticed. Maybe they're relieved that they don't have to deal with my sorry ass again. I'm sure they're tired of me calling them in tears night after night. Especially Sean. I call him the most anyway. I've trusted him the most since the beginning of our friendship.

I've given up on... Everything. All I want to do now is sleep. The only company I have now are my pets and my friend Marzia for a few brief moments before she leaves with Edgar in the mornings to take him out for his walks. I had asked her to do this with the excuse that I was sick. But colds don't last forever. Soon enough she'd either find out I'm lying or start to become worried and want to drag me to a Hospital. That's the last thing I need, a bunch of Doctors and nurses poking me with needles and sticking their noses all up in my business with stupid questions.

"You're losing weight. How much do you eat in a day?" "

"Are you staying hydrated?"

"Do you feel okay?"

"How are you doing mentally?"

"Are these scars new?"

I bite my bottom lip hard as I push my chair away from my desk, eager to change my environment and distract myself. I stood up, perhaps a little too fast. The room started to spin and I had to catch myself on the desk. I closed my eyes and waited for it to pass like I always did.

1...2...3...4...5...

I open my eyes again with a clear head this time and make my way out of the recording room.

I don't know why I'm like this. I was fine up until last month or so. I've always just been a sad fuck, I knew that. But I thought I was better.
Maybe all the stress of being on YouTube is finally getting to me. Maybe I'm losing confidence in myself and second guessing if my friends like me or not. Maybe it's the fact that I like someone that I know I don't have a chance with. Maybe it's all the above. I can't be bothered to figure it out though. I just want to go back to bed.

I make my way down the hall and into my dark bedroom. I glance around at the mess. Clothes covered the entire floor. Trash was littered across my dresser and just about every other surface. My bed was nothing but a jumbled pile of sheets and comforters that didn't even cover half of the bare mattress.

I walked over to my bed and flop down into the pillows. Within just a few minutes I was fast asleep.

Jacks POV

"Come on..." I mumbled under my breath after pressing call. But like always, the line would immediately be unavailable. I cursed under my breath as I pulled the phone away. I've been trying to get ahold of Felix for weeks now. He's really starting to worry me. No messages, no calls, not even as much as a twitter post or video upload. He had said he was taking a short break, but that was a fucking month ago. I was starting to become desperate. I looked back up at my laptop. Plane tickets for Brighton stared back at me. Would it be crazy of me to go see him in person? Would he think I'm being a nuisance? Should I just give him space? I groaned and dragged my hands down my face. After a few tense moments, I decided to call one last person before making such a drastic decision.

The phone rang three times before there was an answer.

"Hello?" A sweet voice replied.

"Hey, Marzia," I said trying to hide the shakiness in my voice. "It's Sean".

"Oh, hey Sean!" She said sounding pleasantly surprised. "Long time no see. How've you been?"

"Not so great" I mumbled. "I'm..." I picked at a loose thread on my jeans. "I'm worried about Felix".

"Oh..." Marzia sighed. "I know what you mean. He hasn't been himself lately. Like, at all".

"What do you mean?" my voice cracked. If I wasn't worried before I certainly was now. Felix was my best friend after all. I care an awful lot about him.

"Well..." Marzia began. "I don't see him very much, I just walk Edgar for him. But from what I've seen he's very quiet. He never laughs anymore. He smiles, but I can tell it's forced. And he looks...sickly".

"Do you think something's wrong with him?" I asked.

"Physically? No. He said he had a cold a few weeks ago. But I haven't heard a single cough or sniffle from him. So, I call bull".

"Oh Jesus," I said dragging a hand down my face again. "He hasn't uploaded anything either...Do you think I should go down there and check on him?"

"You mean like, fly all the way down here?" Her voice squeaked.

I shrugged, even though she couldn't see me. "If I have to. He's my friend" I spoke softly.

"Well, dam.." She whispered. "I say go for it. He hasn't allowed anyone to come into his house. But maybe if he saw you it'd be different" She giggled.

I blushed. "W-what that's supposed to mean?!" I said in my profound Irish accent. It always came out more when I was flustered, which I hated. It was a dead giveaway.

Marzia laughed. "Because if he saw a friend who flew all the way out here for him versus someone from down the street then he'd feel obligated to open the dam door!"

"Oh.." I mumbled blushing even more.

"Why you so embarrassed?" She teased.

"Shut it, Marzia," I said feeling my whole face go red.

"Do you liiiiike him?"

"What?! Of course not!"

"Mm-hmm"

"I mean it, Marzia!"

"You have a HUGE crush on him!"

"GOODBYE, MARZIA!"

"You loooove hi-"

I quickly hung up and slammed my phone down on the bed. My eyes wide and face red as a tomato. fookin hell.

I looked back up at the online tickets. "Fuck it," I said clicking on the buy button. Brighton Uk, her I come.