Cold as Ice - WinterWidow One-Shots

foggy memories

Summary: James isn't the only one with a sometimes foggy memory. Most of the time, Natasha knows they're out and done with the Red Room. There are other moments, though, after bad missions or nightmares when she can't distinguish reality from nightmares.

A/N: I'm going to put a small twigger warning for panic attacks. It's not explicitly stated that's what happens, but I feel like enough symptoms are described to warrant a warning.

Italics represent Russian

There are moments where Natasha knows they're out and past hiding from their handlers. Moments when she comes home and James is standing in her kitchen with a frilly apron and a cat rubbing against his ankles. Moments when she falls asleep curled around him. These are the moments she lives for and the ones she cherishes most.

There are also moments, however, where her mind is still foggy and the timeline blurs. Moments when she wakes up and she's alone. Missions alone that don't go well and land her in the hands of her targets. In these moments, she can't always distinguish reality from nightmares.

For years, she hides it from the others. Days when she feels hollow and fireworks would send her scurrying, she stays in her room and later claims to have been on a mission or at headquarters. After James resurfaces, though, it becomes infinitely harder.

He notices her. The others are used to her disappearing, but the first time she did it after James joined the team, he hunted her down. He panicked and even though he still hadn't quite figured out how she connected with his past, he knew that she shouldn't be gone.

When he had found her curled in a dark closet of the old gym, he had nearly collapsed in relief.

"You can't disappear, Natalia," he had gasped, reaching for her wildly.

Despite wanting to be alone, Natasha moved into his arms without protest. It felt right and almost immediately, the ache in her chest started to ease.

"You remember me, then?" she had whispered.

"No," he had admitted. He buried his face in her hair nonetheless. "But I remember what you were to me."

By the next time Natasha needs to hide, James has remembered who she is and they spend the time together, hidden away from the team until she feels like she can speak without her voice shaking.

There are times, however, when it happens and James isn't around.

After so many months of having him back, she isn't prepared for the first time it happens and he's gone. His absence makes it much worse than it's ever been. Unlike the years before, she wakes up with a gasp and can't catch her breath.

She knows she'll never forget the feeling of being torn out of James's arms, but the way the memory crushes her chest and chokes her is staggering. She hadn't prepared for what it would be like to have him gone again, even if it's just for a recon mission with Steve.

"FRIDAY―" She chokes on her words, not sure if the AI even heard her.

"Calling Mr. Barnes," the AI voice says a second later.

"No!"

He's on a mission and calling him could put him at risk. The fact that FRIDAY can contact him, however, is slightly reassuring. It grounds her just long enough for her to make sure FRIDAY cancels the call and knows not to contact James at all.

"I'm okay," she promises the AI. A second later, she regrets her words.

The world spins and she doesn't recognize where she's at for a moment. There's a panic in her chest and James is missing―he's gone―and she can't breathe.

Where was she? Hadn't she gotten out? Where was James?

She nearly screams as puzzle pieces start to disappear in front of her.

She can't figure out where she is on the timeline. Part of her knows she's out, but another part of her is asking about James. He's been ripped away from her again and this is her punishment.

"You will remember while he will forget."

The words from his handler echo through her head and this time she doesn't hold back the scream.

He won't remember her and she's still there: trapped in her own personal hell for god knows how long.

Her world tips and her thoughts spin. Down the hall, there are footsteps and Natasha braces herself to be met with Ivan's sneer. If she's lucky, he'll be alone. If she's not, he'll have brought James just to punish her further. The blank, unfamiliar look in his eyes will haunt her for nights to come.

As the doorknob twists, Natasha schools her face. She may have screamed when they put James under, but she won't let them see anything more.

Natasha holds her breath as the door opens and James steps in, running a hand over his face before glancing towards the bed.

His presence rocks her world again. He's not in uniform, so she can't be back there. She's also in a bed unlike any that the Red Room ever provided. A bed that she now remembers belongs in the Tower where she and James both live.

"Natalia?"

He's at her side the second she lets out a stuttering breath. Her hands shake, but she reaches for him desperately and a bit of the pressure clawing at her lungs slithers away. Although fresh from a mission, he gathers her in his arms and buries her between him and the bedsheets in a way that's more comforting than anything else.

"Tell me what to do," he whispers in her ear.

"Don't leave," she whispers back.

He needs to shower, but she'd rather change the sheets in the morning than let him go. If he disappears now, she'll spiral.

"Talk to me, love," he says. His metal arm curls around her protectively and he brushes a handful of kisses to her temple. "What is it?"

"They took you from me," she murmurs. He knows then that he won't be leaving for quite a while.

"No," he promises softly. He shifts so they're both more comfortable and promises, "They tried, but they couldn't. I'm back, doll."

He clings to her almost as tightly, though, because the memory is just as painful for him as it must be for her. It's not one he remembers clearly which tells him it was one of the worst he had. It's easy to believe, too, because every time he thinks about it, he hears an echo of her scream and his gut clenches on instinct.

The hollow, panicked feeling stays until morning. As the sun rises, Natasha agrees to at least leave the bed so James can shower. She joins him before the bathroom door shuts.

They don't leave the Tower to hide, but Natasha can't be convinced to leave the bedroom. James agrees and they stay in bed all day. By dinner, she can breathe without an ache in her chest and James can leave the room without her panicking.

"It's better now," she promises as they curl under the covers that night. "Thank you."

"You should have had FRIDAY call me," he argues softly. He brushes her hair back.

"It had only just started," Natasha murmurs into his neck. "You came as soon as I woke up."

If James has his doubts, he doesn't voice them. She's better now and he'll try never to leave again, but they both know it's inevitable. They have missions to complete and sometimes they'll be separated. At least this time he was there when he needed to be.