Drunk Without Cause

Thirty-Three.

The library was lonely, resulting in a wandering Nessa wondering why exactly he was there. Ian didn't show up, and he wasn't even sure if he had actually wanted him to in the first place. What would have happened? Maybe he would have come clean to him about the obsession he had developed with trying to make people fall in love with him.

But Nessa wasn't sure if he could even do that without feeling inevitably worse about himself. Did Ian fall for him? It seemed that he had. Nessa touched a finger to his cheek, remembering the warmth of Ian's lips when they were there. He didn't love Ian the same way, but he did care about him.

The school day had been long and frustrating. Emi and Keely were still struggling to talk, though Nessa didn't know what all the details behind their divide was. Ilya seemed a lot quieter than usual, not really saying much as he constantly looked at the entrance of every room they were in. He was hoping that Kiwi was going to walk in at some point.

Venice seemed to be comforting Ilya in a way that only he could — by sitting close to his side and indulging more than usual in his flirtatious actions. Ian didn't even look their way, probably embarrassed by what happened between him and Nessa. Not to mention the bruise on his cheek from Kiwi, which Venice had informed Nessa on.

Kiwi was nowhere to be seen. Venice said that it was most likely due to the horror he felt for how he treated his friends, explaining that Kiwi had always been the sort of person to fret over how he impacted others. Nessa hoped that he was alright, and that he would return to school soon.

Standing in that library without Ian made him feel stupid. It was a place for quiet people to find comfort in literature, and yet he somehow felt lonely when he had nobody to sneak up on and compliment. The latter was a good thing to be without, because Nessa knew that he was too handsome to do that to someone. But regardless of finding himself slipping back into the actions of Charm, he still genuinely wanted to be Ian's friend. It hurt to know that he had ruined that.

Somehow Nessa found himself drifting to the historical literature section, where he eventually stood beside a book that he would never have picked up on his own. Nessa was far more into modern, or classical fantasy books such as Alice in Wonderland. Picking up Dante's Inferno seemed like something he would never do. Yet that was precisely what happened.

Nessa stared at the cover for a few moment, wishing that he was no longer who he used to be. Charm had been someone egged on by his peers and friends. They saw the unmatched perfection in Nessa's complexion, and furthermore the way that people reacted to it. Compliments and shock, staring and whispers. It wasn't hard to want to test the true impact of a face like his.

Why had he done it? Maybe he was narcissistic. Maybe Nessa was sick of being seen but never heard, so he decided to give the people a taste of their own medicine. Maybe some of them actually did deserve it. After all, they only lowered their personality standards because of how handsome he was. When he was younger, he thought that it made them vain. But perhaps it was his own faults that led him down a dark path.

He never loved any of them. They were passing faces and names, people that he only gave the time of day because of a bet made between him and his friends. He always won them. But it hadn't been worth anything in the end, because he felt nothing but self-loathing and hatred towards the face that he had been born with. It gave him a stalker that he was too terrified to tell anyone about, and too many ex-lovers for someone so young.

Nessa's hands tightened around the book, before he turned on his heel and went over to the librarian. Once it was checked out, he left the library, feeling unsure of when he would return next. Venice was hanging out in front of the school, waiting for Nessa to finish with what he needed to do. He was going to walk with Venice to his house, and they were going to hang out for a few hours. Nessa's mom was thrilled to hear that he had friends, and all she could say was how much she wanted to be able to meet them soon.