Kaylor: The Timeline

Chapter 21

June 1, 2014

It was happening again. Karlie was feeling an urgent need to get away. She had spent the better part of the previous day over analyzing, second guessing, and regretting each and every decision she has made in the past month. Each time she thought about how she had spoken to Taylor before the singer left for tour, her stomach would twist into knots. Had she been too harsh? Too demanding? Maybe unfair?

No, I had to do that for myself. Karlie thinks. She hated herself for continuously falling into the easy habit of being with Taylor in a way that she shouldn't be. Brief moments of bliss with the older girl resulted in days of sickening guilt. The kind that paralyzed the model, that made her want to curl up in a ball in her bed and not leave it. The worst part was she had grown accustomed to feeling guilty about the way she has been mistreating Josh and was even learning to deal with it, but now she also felt guilty about the way she had left things with Taylor. She needed another distraction, another getaway, and unfortunately she definitely could not spontaneously fly out to Los Angeles and abandon work once again.

She was lying beside Josh, who had spent the night. She awoke with his limp arm draped across her body, an early morning reminder of their previous night. She had invited him over for dinner, a meal she spent much longer cooking than she should have, just to do her best to keep herself preoccupied from other invading thoughts. She didn't know which made her feel worse, the thoughts she was having about Taylor and the guilt she felt about the way she remained so neutral when speaking to her, or the fact that she was even having thoughts about Taylor in the first place while she was cooking a meal for her boyfriend.

She was relieved when she heard Josh knock at the door, even more of a distraction presenting itself for the evening. They really did have a nice night together, that is when Karlie was able to stay present and reign in her wandering thoughts. They watched multiple movies together, but for once they were captured by each other's words, not paying attention to the television lighting up the darkened room. Karlie knew she was clinging onto the conversation for a reprieve from the what her mind has been spinning around all day, and ordinarily she wouldn't quite be so enthusiastic about the conversation, but soon it became natural. She didn't have to force herself to be enamored in conversation, when did she begin believing that was the case with her and Josh? Has she been part of the reason they have drifted apart this fall and winter without even realizing it?

Josh shared stories of his time at Harvard, frat parties gone wrong that had Karlie's side aching from laughter at one point. Karlie told stories of her times first starting as a model, some of the more bizarre and unexpected experiences she had. Josh talked about some of his bigger dreams in regards to the business world, risks he would like to take and innovations he wants to make. He even teased some of Karlie's dreams out of her, the ones she hasn't shared with others because when would a model ever be taken seriously when talking about entrepreneurial and technological pursuits? But Josh had listened thoughtfully, nodding his head at all the right moments, and not blindly supporting her but rather helpfully adding to her own ideas. They laughed about the Met Gala, Josh finally admitting that Cara sending over shots of alcohol was funny. Karlie was reminded of the way they were when they first began dating, of how much she enjoyed being able to be the person the mild mannered and guarded Josh could open up to. She valued his opinions, and she knew he strove to give her the most thoughtful and helpful comments he could. He was genuine, kind, thoughtful, and even funny with enough encouragement.

What seemed far too soon, they ran out of movies to watch. When the TV screen rolled with the final movie's credits, Karlie didn't bother asking him to stay the night, she just gently tugged him towards her and began to kiss him. It wasn't long before they made their way to the bedroom, where Karlie furiously kissed Josh, roughly running her hands up and along his bare back as she lay beneath him, willing her thoughts to remain in the present and not on Taylor. She can't think of Taylor now, not like this.