Her Ordeals

Chapter 23

I avoided Kakashi since that day. Days passed feels like hell between the both of us but I'd rather not to care than push myself far again like last time. The village is under distress because of the sudden infiltration made by the Akatsuki or specifically made by Obito.

I'm honestly frustrated that I cannot even think of anything anymore.

What if my baby is crying now? What is my child needs my warmth right now and Obito that runt wouldn't give alternative?

Damn. I feel like I want to punish those who are working under the barrier department of the village. They'd just sensed Obito in the half-way of our dreadful situation back then. I want to lash out and reign chaos upon the village because I know, even Tsunade is hiding the fact that she's ready to forsake my child just for the village!

But then again, what is village? why 'weak' is to be protected?

I don't know anymore. I lost my sense of direction ever since that day. My heart didn't forget to ache every second and it's kind of annoying. It bugs me every second, every time. I just want to disappear now. Can I?

"You need to eat." My thoughts snapped when I heard Kakashi's voice beside me. Unlike me, who chose to hide my emotions, he wasn't. He showed me that he still cares and he's worried. "You have to replenish your energy."

But I didn't move nor respond to him. I just shoved the plate away from his hands. The soup that I think he made fell down the floor but I don't care if he'll lash out or what. It is better than acting like this. He's hurt like me, he should be. He should stop concealing his feelings anymore.

I heard him sigh as he bent down to to put the plates back into the tray. "I'll go get another. Please eat." He said.

"Why do you still care? Just get out and leave me alone. I don't need you." I said monotonously. "Why do I care?" He sighed in frustration. "Because I love you."

"Really" I questioned.

Was it enough? I almost laugh in his response. Was that sentence should make me feel better? Are humans like this? Easily swayed by emotions? Pathetic.

Before, I used to envy the 'Hanare' he loved before because she can hear him saying 'I love you' without any difficulties but now that I'm receiving it... why am I regretting it now? It's almost as if it's wrong to make him mine.

But it's so hurt to see him like this. I know he's just picking himself for me when usually he'll lash out or what. It's a pity... an eyesore to be exact.

How could I let him suffer like this? I vowed to protect and make him happy but what I did was the opposite.

"I'm not giving up with you... I'll find our child and kill that man."

I hate this. He shouldn't experience losing someone again but because of me... because of my Goddamn intervention, the future has change.

"Just get out!!" I couldn't even dare to look on his eyes anymore because my eyes were filled with tears and guilt that I couldn't contain anymore. I'm so sorry, love. I didn't know that my love will make you like this. Had I known that this is the outcome of everything, I would just stay in the shadows just like before.

How could I even look in your eyes again... I couldn't even forgive myself for making your life miserable. How could I raise our child if I'm like this?

Both of you are too worth it for me to have... do I even deserve the both of you?

Nothing beats when you began to doubt and question yourself and your existence. I'm too fucked up to begin with, trying to attain a Gooddamn life with him made us miserable like this.