45" ▪︎ a.i.

24"

I turned around in my seat and faced the inside of the bus. This would practically be home for the next two weeks and it felt weird, to say the least. The boys jumped from their seats, starting FIFA and not even 5mins after we started driving; they were already sitting there, screaming at each other while playing. All of them, except Ashton. I know he had never liked playing, but I thought he would have grown used to it after the various tours and bus drives with them. Instead, he stood up, held his hand out for me and led me to the back of the bus, flipping off Michael on the way who made the remark to 'keep your fucking clothes on'. He pulled me on the couch next to him and loosely rested his arm around my shoulders. 

"How'd you like the show? Better than yesterday or worse?", he asked chuckling, and cuddled into his side. 

"Better. I could feel the meaning you all put behind each of your actions. Your little speech before the show started did wonders.", I replied, and he nodded. 

"I had hoped it was noticeable. It definitely felt more meaningful. I'm so glad we kept this tour so intimate. It's gonna be our best one yet, I just know it.", he finished, and I could hear the passion laced in his voice. I looked up at him, his eyes twinkling with happiness and pure adoration for music, I could listen to him talk about it all night and not get tired of it. I've never seen him this happy, not in the years of being a fan, not in the few weeks I've known him. I thought I did, but nothing compared to this moment right now. Playing shows, seeing his fans, talking to them, it really made him feel pure bliss and I could see it in his eyes.

 
"Why are you staring at me like that? Hello? Earth to Hazel?", Ashton snapped his fingers in front of my face and I snapped out of it. 

"Sorry, what?" 

"You were staring at me." 

"I wasn't." 

"You were." 

"Fine. You looked so happy, it's just, I haven't seen this spark in your eyes, like ever before. Not in the last weeks and not on pictures or in videos before.", I quietly explained, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed he had caught me staring. He didn't reply. I knew he knew I was right. He just didn't want to admit it. Because agreeing would also mean he hadn't been his happiest the last years, even though we both knew it was true. In the past years I've seen him laughing, joking around on camera during interviews. 

I've seen him drum the hardest he could on stage, letting out whatever energy, good or bad, he felt. But I've also seen him go quiet during interviews, staring off into space, sometimes not saying anything but his name, sometimes talking about their music passionately but trying to play it off as funny, laughing over the deeper meanings, trying not to put too much focus on his real feelings. During the years I've always wondered if he was truly happy and sometimes, I thought he was. There were moments when a small glimpse of his happiest version would shine through. But I could never be sure. 

Pictures and videos just couldn't really tell someone's story. However, after he had released 'superbloom' and did so many interviews about his mental health and struggling, I knew my feeling had been right all along. Seeing him today, truly happy on stage and after the show, it meant the world, and getting to experience this with him and adding even a small part to his happiness, was everything I could ever ask for.

We arrived in San Francisco early the next morning. Everyone was still asleep, but I woke up around 7am, getting up to make some coffee. I stood in the small kitchen, coffee mug in my hand, looking out the window. In the far distance I could make out some fans, already waiting even though the doors wouldn't open for another 12 hours. I shortly thought about going over there, maybe bring them some coffee, but I couldn't muster up the motivation to get dressed, so I stayed in my PJs, scrolled through Twitter, liked some Tweets and waited for the boys to wake up. Surprisingly Luke was the first to join me, looking as though he did not nearly get enough sleep. He trudged over to the coffee, poured himself a cup and leaned against the counter. 

"You're not a morning person, are you?", I asked chuckling, very well knowing the answer already. He huffed, and took a sip of his coffee, not saying anything else. Luckily Calum joined us in the kitchen and when Michael walked over it actually got a bit crammed in there, so I left them to themselves and went to go wake up Ashton. 

"Good luck with that, he's worse than Luke on the first night back on the road.", Michael shouted after me. I walked to Ashton's bunk and opened the curtain just to be met with a wide-awake Ashton, scrolling through his phone. 

"Morning.", he said, looking up shortly and scooting over, silently inviting me to join him for a few minutes before the boys would barge in there. 

"Why didn't you come over?", I asked, while laying down next to him, draping my arm over his chest, tracing small figures on his bare arm. 

"Didn't feel like it. Besides, now we get to do this.", he replied cheekily and leaned in to kiss me, deepening it, while pulling me on top of him as good as possible in the small bunk bed. It didn't last long though. It felt like only seconds after the curtains were pulled back and Michael screamed like a little girl causing us to pull away from each other and laughing. 

"Michael what the hell?", Luke shouted, sounding just as moody as he looked before. 

"You're not doing this on the bus. We have RULES!", Michael exclaimed, still out of breath from screaming. 

"Chill dude, we weren't gonna do ANYthing.", Ashton replied, rolling his eyes at Michael overreacting like this. 

Realizing I was still sitting on top of Ashton, still kind of straddling him, I quickly got out of the bunk bed, excusing myself to the bathroom to get ready and leaving the boys and this awkward situation behind. 

A.N.: i knoww this i like super short but i just didn't really have time to write the last days/weeks, I'm hoping it gets better but i guess short, more frequent updates are better than nothing