Eli & Juno

23- Fists of flowers

I came back to the field. I'm supposed to go back to school tomorrow, just as I was supposed to go back to school every day this week.

Cassel caught a ride with a friend, saying he was done hiding. I almost screamed at him as he did. He wasn't the one hiding. I was. He had no reason to be scared. He could go back into that school and hold his head high, and laugh along with the jokes about his brother being a joke.

But then I remembered it wasn't his fault, and that we were trying to be better. Both of us.

This is where it happened. God, beautiful things turned poison never felt more real. Everything here is picturesque. Like the inside of a painting.

I look at the wall. I walk towards it, my footsteps muffled by the wet earth. It must've rained last night.

The colours seem less bright now. Even under an awning, the spray paint looks runny. Like it too was crying in the mist of the storm.

I crouch down, muddying the knees of my jeans. I can still see where Juno and I left our message on the bricks.

Right before he walked away.

I look back to the field. There's a little forest at the edge. I wonder how it would feel, to race into it and just run and run and run and never look back. To breathe in the wild.

I think of the planetarium, and how I felt. Like I was so small and that was okay. Now that feeling seems impossible. Every emotion bubbling up inside me feels all consuming, like even the stars must care.

My cheeks feel wet. Tears catch in my eyelashes. I wipe them with the heel of my hand, but make no effort to stop.

I was so close to being happy. So close it hurt, physically hurt to have it ripped away. And now, where am I? Being dragged by misery like I was bound to it.

Nestled in the dirt are the damp roots of flowers. Without realizing it, I begin gathering them in my hands. Dandelions. Half fluff, half yellow. Beautiful. Messy. Mixed.

I hold the flowers up to the sky. It's lightly dotted with clouds, making the sun into that nice, weak warmth. Sunshine is still weird here, but for the moment, it feels just right.

Juno would've loved it.

My stomach twists, because I can picture him here. Standing outside in the fresh air and noticing a million things I could never pick up. Like how the grass shifts in the light wind, and the bees hum gently around you, but never sting. He's probably admiring it right now, somewhere else, thinking about all the ways his life was about to change.

Without me.

Because I was stupid. Just a stupid kid who pushed something -someone- amazing away because I was scared.

Before I realize it, I'm exiting the field. Grass brushes my ankles, soaking my jeans with morning dew. My bag pulls towards the ground, but not nearly enough to stop me. Not even a meteorite could stop me at this point.

I have to find Juno, but first, I need to go see Miss Toussaints.

. . .

I rap my knuckles gently against the door. It swings open on its own.

"Eli," Miss Toussaints says in surprise. She looks up from her pile of tests and smiles, eying me over the rims of her horn tipped glasses. She puts down her pen. "You're back."

I shake my head. "Not really. I just needed to talk to you."

"Is there something I can do for you?"

I look down. "I think I've thought of three things about myself that matter enough to tell you." I swallow. "I mean, if you're not too busy to listen."

She motions to the chair across from her. "Please, sit down."

I shuffle nervously across the room, and drop into the cushioned seat. I take a deep breath, wringing my hands.

"Miss Toussaints, I came to Alaska in September because of my parents' business. They own a circus. The most popular one in the UK. And in a few weeks, we will host our first show in America. But, we didn't just come because of the circus. I-I think we were running away. I'm transgender, and, that wasn't such a great thing to be in a London private school. And for a minute, I thought it was better here. That everything would be okay. But earlier this year, a video was released, revealing the truth of my identity to the entire school and anyone who has a Youtube account. And even though you probably already know that because of it, it's still worth mentioning, because it helped me see that no matter where I go, it isn't going to be easy. Everything is never going to be okay. But, it'll be alright. I am alright. But I'm scared. So terrified of life and of what this world might have in store for me. But I know I want to live and find out. And I think you helped with that. So, thank you. Ma'am."

"Well, Eli, I think that's the most words I've ever heard you say in one go." I flush. "And that was more than three things."

"Was it? Sorry- It just all felt important."

"It is." Her eyes fall on the flowers in my hands. My nails bite into the stems, leaving little crescent dents. I loosen my grip. "Going somewhere?"

I nod, my nerves coming back in a fresh wave. I glance at my watch. I have forty-five minutes till school starts. "Yes, I suppose I am." I rise to my feet. "I've got to go. Thank you. So much. Ma'am. Thank you." I make for the door. Before I know it, I'm in the hall, then bursting through the school doors and onto the sparkling sun. Suddenly, I'm sprinting faster than I ever have before. I'm racing away from the past, and towards something new. I may not have a clear picture of what it is yet, but I know it is so, so beautiful.