Ella 's Little Journal

July 15 2019

*Piece of paper added into journal*

I just got home from an amazing week at the beach with my friends. But my trip ended with a terrifying realization. I'm pregnant.

Xavier and I swore we did everything to prevent it, but I guess it wasn't enough. I haven't really spoken to Xavier since we found out, I'm not mad or anything I just need time to think. I need to be able to process things on my own time. Figure my own feelings out before I include his.

He seems to understand, he's even let me stay at his house since my house has been kinda a disaster since I told my dad about Kim.

I feel kind of guilty because I leave before he gets home. But I really want to focus on my emotions first. Luckily his parents are gonna for the week so they aren't here asking me questions, even though I love his family dearly I just need a break.

It's kind of weird that this is where I'm taking my break though.

I've graphed out the different things we could do. Abortion seems like a last resort, one I don't think I'll end up doing. It seems wrong.

Adoption means I'll have to carry the baby all the way through and then give it away.

It might seem heartless but I don't know if I could do that.

I just don't know, I'm leaning towards keeping the baby but there's so much more that goes into it. Would I be able to take care of the baby? Would I be able to pay for everything necessary? What would happen to my family and friends? What would happen to me?

I'm fucking terrified and I feel like I have no one to turn to for help. No support. Maybe I should tell Xavier what I'm thinking, but I'm not set on anything yet and I don't want his feelings to interfere with mine.

There's just so much to do and think about.

But no matter what I'm going to start picking up more shift. If I decide to keep the baby it'll give me a head start, and if we don't then at least we'll know we can pay for doctor visits if I decide on adoption. I think I'm ruling abortion out. But I'm just so unsure.