7

08: this is a story i hate

        "Harry I-" Gemma pauses for a moment, trying to think of the right thing to say. She sat in thought as I caught her up to speed on everything that had been going on. "I'm- I'm sorry for your loss. I know you don't remember Penelope to the fullest extent but you are still grieving a loss,"

"That's the sad part though, I didn't even cry when they told me she was dead. It was like she was nothing, but when I tell other people it seems as though they knew her better than I did!" I reminisce on the quick moments when I was told of her passing and my inheritance. "I keep getting little flashes of a memory of her-"

"I think you expect a lot from yourself like you are supposed to be the personification of perfection. You are an endless loop of telling yourself that you aren't enough. You don't feel enough or you are less than enough for the people around you but, that couldn't be further from the truth," Gemma says looking at the little girl that was curled up in my arms. She was sucking on her thumb furrowing her brows as she aimlessly looked around the room.

The mid-day sun streamed through the dusty blinds and lit up Gemma's chocolate brown eyes. Her bold red lipstick gave her lips a natural curl as she spoke purposefully through her disconnected observations. She wasn't wrong about any of it, she saw me under a spotlight and acknowledged my every behavior.

"I don't think in the half the man everyone thinks I am Gem. The past doesn't just disappear and I've made a demon of it," I admit sighing looking down at Lilah who gurgled and latched her pudgy hand around my fingers. She found curiosity in the silver bands wrapped around my fingers.

"Everyone else has already forgiven you H, now it's up to you to forgive yourself," Gemma says smiling at the gurgling baby that breathily played with the rings laced around my fingers.

Conversations tangled within themselves and we went for hours. Talking about anything and everything. Voices getting raspy from the way we talked and talked and talked. It was as if she had set me free, as much as I didn't want to involve Gemma it was almost good for my health to take these bricks that sat on my chest away.

"So when will you know?" Gemma asks holding my fussy baby that began to get agitated around this time of the day.

"A week or so from what I know," I say spooning some cereal into my mouth. I haven't had much time to grocery shop so we were diving into the stale fruit loops in the back of the pantry.

I switch on a football game I only can pay so much attention to. There was too much going on in my mind, despite it being the middle of the day I was ready for a nap.

"I think she's tired, when does she normally go down for a nap?" Gemma asks rocking her back and forth to help calm down her fussy and agitated mood.

"She kinda just does her own thing you know? If she wants to sleep she goes to sleep, if she's hungry I feed her, she kinda just goes by her drum beat," I say slurping some more cereal that in theory should have tasted worse than it did. Maybe it was the deprivation of sleep but I was into the old fruit loops.

My phone dings from notifications I still haven't looked at all day. It seemed like a chore to look and reply to them. Even though I should see if I have anything urgent to respond to. Regardless everything seemed to be a drag when all I wanted was some quality sleep.

Keaton: How did the testing go?

Niall: Was that today?

Keaton: Yeah, we need to know how it went!

Niall: Yeah did baby Lilly come from your ballsack?

Keaton: Okay, the way you still haven't learned her name lmao

I roll my eyes playfully hearing their banter in my head as they go back and forth. I swiftly type out a response to them making sure not to leave them hanging.

Harry: It went fine! The results will hopefully be in sooner rather than later, where did you even get Lilly from Lilah??

Harry: Does anyone wanna hang out tonight? Maybe grab some pizza?

"Harry!" Gemma stammers as Lilah begins to cry from the lack of a nap or sleep she's gotten since we got home.

"What?!" I respond shooting my gaze up to meet her less than enthusiastic expression. "I'm listening to you,"

"Okay, then what did I just say?" Gemma widens her eyes and waits for my response arching her right brow.

"You said..." I start trying to come up with something reasonable. The truth was I wasn't listening while I was typing away on my keyboard. "You asked me if she had a nap!"

"Okay I did say that but that wasn't everything I said!" She stammers trying to calm down the cranky baby in her arms. "I said you really should consider putting her on a schedule. She's a baby, she needs structure,"

"Why do you think I am going to adopt her out Gem? I'm not structured, I live minute to minute," I explain knowing that I was probably coming off as an asshole when all Gemma was trying to do was help. There was something that had soured my mood, maybe it was the Penelope talk.

It frustrated me. All I wanted to do was remember her.

"Don't be an ass, and anyway, I have to go. Work crisis I guess," Gemma says setting Lilah into my arms while I learned on the kitchen island stool. "Ill text you later," she says tending to her ringing phone and answering it with a professional greeting. "Bye love!" She mouths kissing the top of Lilah's head before walking herself out.

"It's okay Lilah, you are fine," I swallow my cereal and lean forwards to plant the chair back onto the ground. I put my spoon back into the bowl and turn Lilah around to look at me. Her soft face pouts and she rubs at her eyes crying looking for some sort of comfort I wasn't sure I could give her.

In all honesty I wanted to break down with her.

"I know me too, I know you miss your momma," I speak standing up wand walking around the confines of these four walls of the apartment. It becomes suffocating as I look up into the ceiling lights.