7

09: probability

         My hands trembled as I held the letter in my hand. It didn't even feel real, and maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was a dream that I hadn't woken up from yet but I wasn't going to count on it. Dreams weren't this scary. They didn't shake you till your bones rattled, they didn't pulse your heart to the point of exhaustion, those were things of nightmares. The writing on this was about to determine the course of my entire life... and Lilah's.

"Well?" Niall poked as we both looked at the letter glued to my hand. "Any day now...." He paced and elated the anxiety filling the air.

"I can't do it,"  I told him sucking in some air and tossing the letter back onto the counter. I stare at it and extend my arms to the edge of the counter where I momentarily stared at the floor. "I just can't."

"Harry it's been a week! You have been waiting for this for a week and now that it's here you don't want to look?" Niall questions leaning back on the kitchen stool while I pace around blowing out the oxygen trapped in my lungs. "If she isn't yours you can go back to life as usual! No more dirty diapers and sleepless nights!"

"It's not that simple," I say feeling anxiety brew in my stomach, and the acids bubble and cause discomfort.

"It is that simple, you are just making it more complicated... Harry, do you wanna keep the little nipple sucker?" Niall asks getting up and looking my way as I avoid eye contact.

"You do!" Niall banters with me smirking, "You are attached!"

"I'm not just going to send her off to some shitty foster care system. She deserves more than that, like I said if she's not mine then I have to make arrangements for adoption?  I have no idea!"  say to him going over to the couch where I plop down and sigh loudly.

"Just admit it, you are attached to the baby and deep down you want to be a daddy... okay a daddy in the literal sense," Niall says from behind as I roll my eyes and try to hold in my laughs. That was too easy and he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of hearing me laugh. That will give him validation to keep being annoying.

"Is it hard to grasp that  I just want to give her the best chance she has? Jesus, I just don't want her to end up in a system for years that is known for abuse. I couldn't send her there knowing that I could've changed the outcome,"  I tell him as he comes over and sits in the seat next to me.

"I will say, you do have more of a heart than I would. Yes, the baby is cute but if she's not your problem you don't make her your problem. She is someone else's one-night stand to deal with," Rage builds in my chest and I feel the annoyance strike a nerve. Do I fight the urge to say anything or did I set him straight that he was crossing his boundaries?

"Don't fucking talk like that," I say hoping that the warning will get him to shut his mouth.

"I know it sounds harsh but that's the way it is. Do you want to raise another dude's kid? I'm sure Pen didn't stop with you-"

"Shut the fuck up Niall!" I yelled standing up and backing up towards the tv where I let loose. I could feel that person inside of me again. The one that craved chaos and was fiercely protective over that name, over the girl it held so close.

"God, shut up! You have no idea what kind of position I am in and you never will so stop with the unsolicited bullshit! You haven't had to be responsible for anything or anyone so you are out of your league giving me pointers! God damn!" I scream as the front door opens to a frightened face.

"Bro I was just trying to help!" Niall says with a furrowed brow that I roll my eyes at.

"Help?"  I scoff laughing as if he was telling another one of his jokes, "I don't think you are qualified to be giving ME help on something you know nothing about! You wanna know what would help me? If you fucking got the hell out of my apartment since you have nothing to offer!"