XPLR With Me • My Brother's Best Friend {Sam&Colby}

F I V E

"Are you ready to talk?" Sam asks me as he peeks through my door. I've avoided him since yesterday morning. I don't want him to know how I feel. I don't want anybody to know. Every time I try to explain I'm shut down. Colby was proof that no matter what I say, I'll just look like I'm the bad guy. It's always "you're being sensitive" or "you're being dramatic." Nobody ever asks me why I'm feeling the way I do. Not even Sam. If I would have just kept my mouth shut instead of telling him that I feel so invisible, we wouldn't be in this very awkward situation.

I look back down at my computer trying to ignore him. "Please, Penelope. You're my little sister, I want to make sure you're okay." His eyebrows furrow. I sigh and lean up, patting my bed next to me. He walks over and sights down softly, facing my direction.

"Tell me what's up. I want you to be able to talk to me. We used to be so much closer and since high school," since you became popular, you mean? "it's been different. So tell me what's up."

I shut my laptop and lay it on the floor, "I don't know, Sam." I fiddle with my fingers after I lean against my headboard. "Yes, you do." He argues.

I roll my eyes at his response. "I'm a nobody, Sam. Do you know how hard that is when you're my brother?" My eyes water. "I don't have any direction in life. I have no guidance and I can't ask for any because everyone is so concerned about what's next for," I stutter over my words, I don't want to make him feel guilty that I feel this way. "Me." He finishes. My lips frown and I look back down, covering my face as a tear drops. "I'm sorry I haven't noticed it, Penny. I admit I've been selfish. I haven't been a brother to you lately. I'm going to change that."

I look up in frustration, "But it's not just you." I sniffle, "Everyone. Everyone treats me like I'm invisible. How often do I speak at dinner? Has mom and dad even asked me what I want to do with my life? What college I want to go to? Even at school, teachers pretty much ignore me. They just assume I know everything because you're a genius. And when I fail something they tell me they expected more from me. My friends, don't even get me started." I chuckle with pain, "they only ever want to hang out if you and Colby are there. They use me for popularity and I'm not even popular! If I told people I was dying tomorrow, people would ask me to remind them who I am. If you tell people you stubbed your toe they'll come running to your side. It'll never change."

I look over at Sam. I can tell he's upset and confused by everything I said. He probably won't respond or try to help. They never do. "Forget it, okay? I'm fine. Just leave me alone, please. I want to be alone."

"No." He shakes his head, "I don't want to leave. I don't want you to ever be alone again." I feel a rush come through my body as I burst into tears. He takes me in, hugging me tightly. I wrap my arms around him cautiously. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He repeats.

Sam holds me for a couple of minutes until I calm down. "Please don't be mad." I choke out. He lets go of me, "Why would I be mad? You should be mad at me."

Because you're little sister ruins everything for you.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad. I'm really sad and I don't want to be anymore." I wipe my face. "I just want it all to end."

"You shouldn't think that way. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you're not. Please know you can talk to me. Anytime things get rough." He reassured me. I smile and nod my head.

Sam leaves my room and shuts the door quietly, I'm sure he knows I don't want to be messed with.

Is it bad that I feel this way? Shouldn't I be happier? I mean, I have a perfect life. I have everything I could ever ask for. Somehow, I'm still so tired of life. Except feeling happy, I feel worthless. I do nothing but screw things up. I ruin my relationships. I fuck up my life every possible way. Who am I? Who have a become?