Snapshots of Pain, Grief And Loss

Autism's Childhood

Let's call the emotions and interactions your social cues.
I do not understand how to learn them.
Feelings invested into the construction of the sentence.
I do not understand and only see words.
You kiss my wound better with love.
I do not understand, it still hurts!
You embrace me in a hug to 'shelter' me from the world.
I do not understand why you must put your arms around me.
You say that I am "Autistic".
I do not understand, that is not my name!
You take me outside to exercise my body and then curse when I break free
I do not understand why you constrain me, I only know that I run as its movement I do not usually get.
You shout at me not to snatch toys from other's.
I do not understand why you said that, it's my toy.
Loud music turned up to create a fun atmosphere.
I do not understand why there are loud noises that scare me.
People talk about how 'I am feeling Blue' and other sayings.
I do not understand and get frustrated. You are not the colour BLUE.
The person I know who makes me happy gets a hug as I know this cue!!
I do not understand the way you feel but I know I feel in a different way.
You are disappointed in me and give me the cold shoulder.
I do not understand and carry on with my task, as I cannot read your body and facial expression.
I get told off for not listening to instructions.
I do not understand I am still trying to compute your first instruction.
You call me immature and childish as I watch such programs such as 'Thomas the Tank Engine' fully enraptured.
I do not understand as I can "Identify" the emotions on the trains faces.
You lock me in my room and restraint my movements.
I do not understand as I bounce in a frenzy to alleviate my stress in movement.
A punishment is given to me as I go to grab the unguarded food or anything that fits in my mouth.
I do not understand as food is a pleasure that brings me a moment's rest so I will rush to grab what's forbidden.
YOU set the dictates of what I do in my day, as this belongs to your timetable.
I do not understand as I want to just concentrate on that familiar puzzle as I've worked this one out.
You want me to be a normal child not a problem one.
I do not understand as I can only be ME and not somebody else.
Labels are given to explain "ME" and why I am the way I am.
I do not understand you but then.... I do not understand you, what label do I call you?

Written July 11, 2014