LOVE IS NOT OVER YET JIKOOK

Chapter 18: holding me back

When I was a child, the sound of the rain against the ground had always left me feeling eerie in a way that it was odd – like the sorrow of the skies befalling down to earth yet the calming sound of water dripping on the ground had me at peace; it was contradicting but I'd rather assumed the feelings were a mixture of sadness and happiness because maybe the tears that fall isn't always going to be that carries pain. Sometimes, it carried sincerity – a pure feeling that almost nowadays people lacked.

I remember during the rain, me and my halmeoni would stay at home, the ricecakes she'd done for today would be filling the small fridge we'd bartered at the junk shop. She'd be saddened not being able to sell what she made because that would mean I wouldn't have money for lunch at school, but that was okay. I tell her, many times.

And she would always apologize.

Those days, I inwardly ask why would I be born – my mother left and my father died, now my halmeoni had to work herself to the bone just to make ends meet for me. If I didn't exist, then she would just be contented, resting on her own. I shun her apology and would ask her to lie down, massaging her sore back that had gotten worse.

But my halmeoni would always hold my hand before she lies down, she would look at me with those eyes - shining with threatening tears.

"I love you," my halmeoni told me.

"I know, halmeoni."

"I'd do anything for you, Jungkook-ah. I'm old and useless, but you my boy, when I saw you and took care of you - I know I'm not useless. I was still here because I have to be strong to protect and take care of you, and doing so Jungkook, made me realize how much of a lovely boy you are. So, don't be too hard on yourself, okay. You're here because halmeoni loves you, I'm so thankful that they gave me you, I've never received so much throughout my life."

Just like the rain that fell from the sky, my tears fell from my eyes – not because I was gloomy, but I was loved. And despite all the trials and tragedies that befell my life, I am grateful, grateful that I have my halmeoni through all of those. I hugged her tight, my lips quivering as I failed holding the tears that broke like waterfalls in my eyes.

"I love you, I love you so much, halmeoni."

Even if the world tries to impale me and drag me down, even if everyone leaves me – at least one person in this world show me what love is. Grateful was really an understatement; the sky was crying but my heart was rejoicing with love.

It was raining harder as I looked at his eyes; they were filled with desperation and sorrow nothing much from the eyes I've used to look at. Unlike any other, this was the first time I've seen him like this. I wanted to feel happy, wanted to feel satisfied because I am hurting him. But I couldn't.

No matter how I want to feel powerful over his tears, over everything that I'm seeing, my heart and my whole being couldn't agree.  This wasn't me. I remember my halmeoni, who did nothing but raise me right – raised me with love so in return no matter how much I was hated by the world, I wouldn't inflict the intensity of the tragedy and pain that I was able to experience during my existence.

The rain kept pouring as I stared at him, no words coming out from my mouth.

After all, this was the same man who made me feel loved other than my halmeoni. The only person who was able to see my beauty behind the scars I carry – emotional and physical, the person who made me realize that I am capable of being loved and to love, and the person who gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive – my son.

His eyes started dropping low, then in the midst of the cold weather, he had finally succumb to his vulnerability; his body along with his eyes fell, I rushed to his side and caught him. I held him to me, his body was burning and I felt alarmed, calling for a cab to run us home.