Faith goes looking for her father to answer some of her questions left by her mother's return. Buffy tries to help as best she can, leading her to ask questions about her own relationship with her father and whether she should do the same.
Glancing over at her, I go back to picking out clothes for the trip.
We never really did. I mean, we did when it happened but then we got distracted with Dawn almost dying, and the apocalypse and then our daughter actually dying. Then everything that happened to bring us back together. We kinda skipped over really dealing with things in a healthy way. Maybe it's time we did that. Especially now that we're a lot more comfortable with each other. After my mom died, we talked a lot, but we focused more on the big stuff. Mostly what brought us together and what tore us apart.
It could be time to deal with the smaller stuff. What we didn't talk about while we were busy trying not to kill each other or completely fall apart. Now we could get around to it. That is, if whatever's about to go down with Faith and her father doesn't go down a rabbit hole of pain and suffering. Which, given our track record, is probably a guarantee. Probably a good idea if we get it out of the way now before the chaos and destruction starts. In case we need to be focused on that instead of each other.
This isn't exactly the easiest conversation to have though. We've been so focused on us, it's harder to talk about other people. Especially since I don't really have all the details. She was kinda light on them at the time and its never really come up since. Just one of those things that didn't feel important. Mostly because it isn't really important. Not in the grand scheme of things anyway. She and I have been through so much together. It's hard for anything else to really compete.
At least I know that if I do bring it up, we won't explode at each other over it. Everything we've been through and all that we've talked pretty much guarantees that. Still, it's probably not something she's all that big on talking about. I was dead at the time and she might not want to think much about what it was like for her. What little I was able to get out of her after it happened made it seem like she went pretty close to the edge with it. I don't want to hurt her by bringing it back up.
I pick out one of the shirts and put it in my suitcase.
Might as well just do it.
"So... you really think this Connor guy can do the job?"
"Assuming he's improved like Angel says since I last threw down with him? I'm pretty sure of it."
"Speaking of throwing down... you were pretty quick to throw down the idea of getting Spike to help."
Faith gives me a curious look, stopping her packing. It makes me stop.
God that was terrible.
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just kind've a weird left turn there B."
"I know, sorry... it just... felt like you were against him out of the gate. Got me kinda curious."
Her curiosity turns to a grin.
"What are you, part of his fan club or something?"
I go back to figuring out my packing situation.
"No, it's like I said, it felt weird."
"Look, B, I know you're into the whole vampire thing, but that's never really been me."
"Right... except for that one time. Or... was it just the one time?"
"Is that what this is about? Me getting it on with Spike?"
Again I stop what I'm doing to focus on her.
"No... I, yes... but also no..."
Well that's coherent.
"Wanna vague that up for me?"
Doing my best to smile at her, I try to explain.
"Well... after you said you might hurt him, I started to think about how, that's probably the only thing you and me haven't really talked about. You know, we talked about how we met and why we turned against each other. We talked about how we fell for each other and what it was like for you when I died. But, we never really talked about you and Spike."
She looks away at what I said.
"Look, I'm not looking to get all judge-y about it or anything. God knows after everything we've been through together, neither of us is in any place to be self-righteous. I'd just... like to understand if I can."
There's a long silence between us.
"You really wanna know?"
"If you're willing to tell me."
More silence follows before she finally says something.
"Honestly? He was just there."
Okay...
"What do you mean?"
"He was there and he didn't try and help. At least not like everyone else was trying to."
She stops and doesn't say anything for a while.
"We talked about how I was pretty torn up after you died. That I tried to kill myself because of how bad it got for me."
I walk over to her and take her hands.
"I'm sorry about that."
Faith tries to smile back.
"It's not your fault B. You were dead and all that."
I watch her to make sure she means it.
"But... Spike is why I started down the whole spiral."
He is?
"Did he... do something to you?"
That has her kinda confused.
"No, it's what he didn't do. After you died, I tried to move on, but seeing your mom and your friends every day made it really hard. It got to the point where I was putting more energy into focusing on other things then I did working through losing you. I tried to avoid it, and the more I did, the more the people around me tried to force themselves into the space I was trying to make between you and my feelings. Which isn't their fault. I reminded them of you and they wanted to be close to me because of it. I get it. But Spike wasn't like that."
She sits down on the bed and I do the same.
"He didn't need me emotionally. He didn't need me at all. So I started hanging out with him to avoid my feelings, and it helped. I felt better for a long time. Then one night he and I were out patrolling, we'd just taken out a nest of vamps, things got intense and we ended up on top of each other. I kissed him and... it got more intense from there. And... it was good."
Not sure I needed to hear that.
"He was good and he made me feel good. At least for a little while. But basically right after it was over, I felt like crap. I felt like I betrayed not just you but the love we had for each other. After that, it got even harder to look at Red and Xander and Giles and all the people you asked me to protect. I didn't just betray you, I betrayed them and their lives you saved. Which just made things so much worse. And I turned to Spike to make that go away. But that only made me feel less and less connected to you."
She takes a deep breath and I can see the pain of it coming back to her.
"So after that stopped working, I just gave up. I figured the only thing I could do was end it all and hope that wherever I went when I died, it was where you went. Even if it was somewhere bad."
I get it.
"As long as we could be together."
Faith looks at me and gives me something of a sad smile.
"Yeah..."
I lean in and put my arms around her in a hug.
"I'm sorry..."
She puts her arms around me, returning the hug.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't know what I would've done if I was in your situation. Maybe I'd have done the same."
After more silence, she pulls back to look into my eyes.
"It's like I said, this isn't your fault."
"I know... but I get it. I understand why you don't want Spike around. He reminds you of a really bad time in your life."
"Yeah, but also... I don't wanna be that kinda person anymore."
That kinda person?
"Which kind of person?"
"The kinda person who would use someone like that. I want to be better than that, like we've talked about."
I smile at her.
"And you are."
I take my hand off her and reach up, brushing her hair out of her face.
"I've seen it."
We stare at each other for a long time.
What is this feeling? I really like it but I don't know why.
She pulls away and focuses on her clothes laid out.
"Well, hopefully I'll feel better after seeing my dad."
I hope she gets what she wants.
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