Seeds

tantrum

I don't think I can stand this much stress I don't think I'm strong enough and I've been crying all day every hour of every day thinking what if I die, what if I just give up, because it sounds so easy and calm to just let go of things I don't think I can do this anymore and I cry about my problems but I know that there are other people facing worse things and feeling ridiculous I think of ways of saying goodbye without killing myself it's getting to a crucial point I never thought I'd want it so bad, to let it go, to give everything up, to stop existing but there's nothing left for me even though I'm just 23 and it feels like life's just began but it also feels like my life is ending and it feels like the world is ending because I can't be happy I never will because I'm just one person and it feels oppressive just existing and I can't take care of everything and everyone and I wanted medication to be numb and I thought about doing drugs or drinking alcohol but I'm too much of a coward to lose control over myself when everyone else around me is losing control of themselves when I see how it looks like losing control and it's ugly and humiliating so there's no way to live this life there's no way to read all the books I want to write all the characters I wish there's no way to live some place else because something will always root me here I'm stuck like a tree unlike a tree without life just crying and I want to scream and I'm reading such a sad book that makes me want to kill myself even more but it's addictive this sadness this grive perhaps because it's all I've ever known for months because I've never been relaxed I've never been fine my mind is too loud and this sadness consumes me and I have no future but I'm only 23 tell me how can I feel this way with my life ahead of me am I not curious about my future but if I could would I give up yes yes no, I know I'm a coward I wish I could write something good but I'm not a good writer I'm mediocre I wish these words were more intense just like how intensively my body is shaking now and I'm so tired I thought about searching for how to kill myself painless but it would be on my history search and I don't want them to see I don't want people to see my writing because it's raw and they're me they're a part of me and I love them like my own children because I had to rip off parts of my soul and give it to them because I was happy for a moment writing about them creating them because I can't I don't think I'll ever succeed I don't think I'll ever write a book I don't think I'll ever be good at anything because I was never talented and it doesn't matter that my dad says he's proud of me I know they didn't want their only daughter to be a teacher but I'm not good at anything I like living in fantasy worlds I like books and reading because I can escape reality because I can be someone else but I can't stand this life it's too much being a person is too much and being alive is heavy and hell and I'm in hell right now and people think I'm fine how is it possible to have so much inside my head and to show so little I want out but I also want in I also want a bright future but I'm so afraid of dreaming and not accomplishing anything isn't it better not to dream and not have your expectations killed because my dreams are too big and sometimes I fool myself saying that I'm good but I'm not I'm just like JB when I wanted to be like Jude and I love Jude and I cry for him as if he's my child but he isn't he's not real and I don't know if I'll wake up I'm never having children because life is hell and I'll die alone and I'll bave no one and I'll leave my writings to be put in the trash can but they'll live forever on the internet, my legacy, my soul, my children, I want out but I want in too