Seeds

voluntary starvation

I was at the park walking around like a maniac, fast pace, strong step making the ground go up in smokes of dirt and grass, eyes focused ahead, ahead, the path I had to follow, mind spinning like a thunderstorm. The sky was grey, the weather was scalding and I felt ugly because I was sweating and the sweat made me self aware of my body, the belly that forced me to starve and made me hate myself every single day, the thighs touching one another in a disgusting movement in which I could feel skin against skin, and the underarm fat that presented itself every time I wore something without sleeves. I loved summer, I loved the heat because of the clothes, but when the clothes started getting too hard to fit, I panicked.
I had what I wanted for a short period, 1 year with a dream body. I was bones and skin for 1 year. I wore clothes from the children's session. Everything fitted, everything looked nice. I had forgotten how it felt to try on new clothes which didn't fit and looked ugly. I got too used to being skinny. I forgot what it felt like to be fat. I forgot the avoiding mirror part, the eating whatever I wanted, the large jeans size, the ugly outfits, the hiding away, the shame, the envy, the cries late at night, the crying prayers to be skinny and how unfair it was that I had the fat genes, how unfair it was to enjoy eating, how unfair that I had to eat, how unfair was food for making me fat, even though I did not eat a lot.
I starved for that body. I starved for days, weeks, months. I fasted for 3 digit hours. I did it happily, I felt invincible and I really was. Yes, I did all that and I was happy because finally I had something that I fought hard for, a skinny body. Finally I had everything that was denied to me my whole life: attention, cute clothes, bones! I could feel my bones and that was my biggest joy. I thought it would last. I thought that with me it would be different, I wouldn't gain weight again, I was so disciplined! I starved for weeks!
I gained weight because I dared to eat like a normal person. How can I eat like a normal person if I get fat easily? How can people be skinny so effortlessly? How is that fair? So I promised myself I would exercise more and I'd spend a whole week only drinking water if it was enough for me to lose some kilograms.
Someone said I was skinny and I almost cried because the person is obviously blind, they do not see under the clothes. They do not see my belly after I eat. That is what I despise the most about eating: the belly after the meal, the pants too tight on your hips. I promised, as I walked, thinking incessantly about my weight and how I needed to get skinny because my happiness depended on it: I will starve for days if this is what it takes to get what I want. I will eat one meal or less if necessary.
People don't understand. Some people might say I'm sick. They weren't teenage girls, I think. The didn't live the tight jeans. They probably looked good in their clothes.
Why is no man willing to starve himself to be skinny? Why did I want to do it so bad? Because I loved myself when I was skinny and now I cannot stand looking in the mirror again. I was happy when I was skinny. Being skinny made me beautiful.

I got home and I thought I could walk more. I saw a chocolate bar and I hated wanting to eat it. I drank water instead. Water was all I needed, water, tears and a distraction to make the noises coming from my stomach stop. A distraction to forget that I had to eat. What a stupid brain, always wanting food, food, food... If only I could switch eating for another action. And then I started reading.

I wish I were a man.