Seeds

for him, just in case

He tells me I'm the love of his life, so I stay silent, I don't say a word, because sometimes I want to make a joke, to change the subject, but then I remember he has already seen through me, he knows me better than I can imagine.
All the walls I've built to keep him at bay, all the structure I've put together to hide my true self never worked with him. He sees through my concrete silence. He sees through my black windows, through my barricade specially crafted from memories, grief and trauma. I've put everything behind my eyes, in my mind, and I try to block him away, to keep a distance, so that he doesn't fall harder only to hurt faster.
I like how he holds me, how he whispers "darling", his chin pressing on my shoulder, his arms around my waist. I like how he's always patient with me, how soft his mouth feels, how tender his touch is. I like how fast his skin gets red, blushing just because I looked at him.
When I think of protecting myself, I could never protect myself from him because he would never hurt me, and if he does, it will hurt him just the same. I am his as he is mine, like no one else ever was before.
How can I protect myself from his tenderness? It is so terrifying, to be offered tenderness, love, friendship, companionship, and trust. I constantly ask myself: am I deserving of this? After all that I've done? But he knows me, he knows the nature of my heart, he knows the ways he can push me, the ways I can push him.
With my ironic smile and stupid childish jokes I can make him blush and laugh when he is not supposed to. I can command him to me with one glance. I can own him, but ownership is reverse too, I learned with time. Owning someone, possessing someone makes the dominant part the most vulnerable. I need him, without him there is no reassurance, no friendship, no chemistry.
Blind enough to try, I tried to stay away, I tried to wish for his happiness affar from me, but I could not do that. How can people end years, decades of relationships and move on? 2 months almost killed me. And I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I also want to punish him as if it were his fault, because I am machiavellic and I create schemes in my head, I turn light waves into tornadoes, I turn a sunny day into a cloudy one, just because I want to see how much of this he can take. How much of me can he accept? How much of me can he digest before he says, now for real: she really is suffocating. And I know that I am, I never tried not to be. I am demanding, stubborn, possessive, but deep down I melt when I realize, suddenly, just by looking at the blue sky, same color of his eyes, that I date him, that he dates me, and we can be one, we can make this work. I also know that most times I am to blame for the fights, because I provoke certain things out of spite. Because I need to test this love with bullets, is it bulletproof? There is only one way to know.
I know I am destructive. But I am also confident in my beliefs. I know what I will and what I will not tolerate. If I despise, I despise it all. If I love, I love it all. If you hurt me, you're done for good. If you betray me, I will never forget. He knows, I warn him, because the ricochet of those actions, for me, is always extreme. I either want you dead or alive. With nothing or everything. And I want everything for him, for he never did me wrong.
He is the sea in a summer morning while I am the storm in a cold night. He is the bird singing on a tree whereas I am the crow flying through the night. He stands by my side like a prince, I stand by his side like a warrior.
I learned that I can be all these things that he generally is too. I can be calm, I can be royal, but what makes us such a great team is the opposites. We complete each other. I burn his cold away. He freezes whenever I touch him, melting against my fingertips, warming my forever cold hands.
I want to tell him things, things stuck inside my heart, and I wonder when I will tell him everything or if he will leave me because I cannot compromise, because I cannot relax, because I cannot stop hiding.
We don't have many friends, he doesn't know what it means to be an extrovert, we read together, we watch movies together, we watch series, he reads everything that I love, everything that I write, he even eats chocolate because I love it. He loves simply because I love.
When will I learn this? When will I learn that love is not expecting things or actions from people, but simply loving them for who they are? We, who never had best friends, the weirdos, the lost souls... we were meant to meet. We were meant to be this couple that we are, this weird and romantic and cheesy and fun relationship we have. My pessimistic side always asks: when will this end? And when are you going to take responsibility for your romantic style? You need to calm down, Giovanna. But he is so much that I fear he's going to be taken away from me. Also, I am used to having people being taken away from me, either because I push them away (with reason, because they hurt me, so they do not deserve me anymore) or because they see through the barricades, and deep down I know I am weird. I have this strange desire to have people only for me, to protect people, to turn seas for them, to go to the edge, and that is scary because they would never even think of doing that for me.
I am selfish, he is not. That is the biggest different we have. I want things for me, he wants things for us and only then I can begin to think, to trust again: we are a team now. Slowly, I realize we cannot be completely alone. If I have him, it is enough. He has never hurt me. He has never lied to me. He has never chosen his friends over me. He has never raised his voice at me. And now I must add, as a witty remark: he is not crazy to do so. This one is for him, because he reminds me of Eric from the novel "Chemistry". Because if, in the future, for some reason, we go different ways, he knows that he is the only one I could NEVER hate. And a reminder for bitter Giovanna: you love this guy, even if he's away, he's yours, but love takes giving and taking, and you should give more.