Seeds

relationships

The breakup was devastating, but it didn't crush me. Or at least, that's the mantra I recite to myself every single day since that tumultuous end. I wasn't destined to be with someone who couldn't commit. We could have remained friends, but what purpose would it serve? He disgusts me now.

"Kate?"

I pivot towards the voice. Oh, no. I finally rid myself of one boyfriend, and now the ex shows up? Of all the places we could have crossed paths, it had to be inside a coffee shop. Wonderful. Lucky me!

His face remains unchanged since we parted ways. I sound like an HR manager; sometimes, I wish I could conclude relationships with the dramatic flair of, "Our cycle has ended; it's time to part ways." I might still cry myself to sleep, but at least I'd have those fancy words etched in my memory forever.

Without seeking permission, he casually takes a seat in front of me. Typical male.

"Daniel, what a surprise to see you!"

"Isn't it crazy? It's been such a long time!"

I force a smile. He appears almost delighted to see me, as if he hadn't shattered my trust. I'm at a loss for words. So, I drown my coffee in sugar—I'm a coffee hater, and if it doesn't taste like anything but coffee, count me in.

"You still only drink sweet coffees with Chantilly on top?"

He's annoying. But I owe him nothing, and if I want to be a bit unhinged, why not?

"Yes, this way my teeth don't get yellow like yours."

His back hits the chair as if struck. I regret my words but remember Gemma's advice that men deserve to suffer a bit more. I forbid myself from feeling guilt—I'm not Catholic, after all.

"Wow, you seem angry. Why are you purposefully attacking me?"

"Attacking you? If this is an attack, you're very sensitive for a man."

My smile leaves him speechless. I win. God, I'm such a child!

"Do you remember..."

"Can I please drink my coffee in peace, alone? I don't have anything to tell you, and I'd rather forget every single moment I've spent with you."

He looks shocked. His blue eyes lock onto mine, and I stand my ground, just looking.

"I just wanted to say that I missed you."

I purse my lips, hating his voice and how familiar I still am with his scent. His dark hair remains the same length as when we were together. If I ever met him again, I promised myself I'd pretend he never existed—the best way to extinguish someone is to pretend they don't exist.

"You already said that. Can you please leave?"

He nods, looking miserable. "He doesn't deserve your pity," Gemma yells in my head. I roll my eyes. Forgiving others is not my forte. I can never forget or let go. Maybe it prevents me from being vulnerable, but it's a small price to pay for safety, for avoiding being used.

If I said what I truly wanted, I'd feel pathetic. People go away, but what happens to the memories you made with them? You're always at places where you used to go together, remembering them, whether you want to or not. Sometimes, even in your own home. You recall the smells, touches, dialogues, laughs, jokes, routine... and it's all gone. It's like grieving over the living.

How much better would it be if we could move on like human beings, understanding that relationships have their cycles too? One day, they will end, but it doesn't necessarily mean you start hating that person. You just grow tired, feel disgusted not by them, but by yourself, for putting up with such a liar.

I sigh and check my phone. Memories flood my mind, and I need to forget, not remember. That's what I repeat over and over. What was will never be again. I wanted too much back then. I wanted friends. I didn't want to be human. I wanted to be a cat, to not feel.

A cat. How I want one. If I had a cat, my life would be happier. I'd create happy memories; I wouldn't need a man. Gemma doesn't understand what it feels like to be lonely. Sometimes I want to talk to her about the deep things that disturb my soul, but something stops me. Maybe fear that she can't go that deep. Maybe acknowledgment that once we go that way, we can never go back. Anyway, I know friendships have done more for me than romantic partners. And I shall never forget brave and kind Gemma, who has always been there for me.

Thinking of her, I send her a random message saying that I love her.

I pay for my coffee and leave the shop. Outside, the streets aren't very crowded. The weather is incredible. The rain will come, but so will the sun. Every day, I hope.

I contemplate death as I walk. I think about what will become of my things, who will take care of them. I think of letters I've written to people I no longer speak to. I make a mental note to tell Gemma where these letters are. I want them to be delivered. I write incessantly about things, but I also want someone to read them, to validate my feelings, to understand. I thought that someone was Daniel. It wasn't Eric either. Nor William.

What about my journal? Maybe publish it? I'm so embarrassed by my own words there that I can't reread it even if I wanted to. An immensity of people, real names, specific dates, and everything is there. I think of the legal issues I'd get into if someone got into it. Well, Gemma is the only one who can call the cops on me. I smile as I think of her.

And then I come to a conclusion, walking toward my apartment. Friendships are the real love of our lives. Friends are the people who love us no matter our past or family. Even though I don't have many, I love Gemma with all my heart, and I hope she loves me too, for she's the one who has been there since the beginning. She's the one who knows the ugly parts of me. Not the one I've known for more time, but the one who clicks with me. There's always that one friend whom we have more chemistry with, the one we love more, the one with which no one else compares. When you are with them, it's like being on the clouds.

What is a breakup next to losing Gemma? Nothing. Friend breakups are harder. Therefore, I will not complain again about ex-boyfriends and dates that don't go well. Gemma is my date, my ride or die. We always say we can do anything together. Everything is possible when we are together.

My cheeks hurt from smiling too much. Memories, so many of them!

I don't see the car coming when I cross the street. When it hits me, I only think, "Gemma, there's so much left unsaid..."

In those final moments, as life slips away, I find solace in the belief that true friendships transcend the boundaries of time and space. And as the world fades into nothingness, the warmth of our connection remains, eternally imprinted on the fabric of the universe.