The Science of Growing Apart

15- Relapse

I wasn't all that surprised to see Casey's name light up my phone that night as I laid in bed listening to a true crime podcast. However, I was surprised at how excited I felt to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey," he exhales in my ear, as if relieved that I answered his call. "Busy?"

"No."

"I have to warn you that this call isn't article-related," he tells me. "I know that's against the rules and you can hang up if you want to, but it's about the banquet dinner. You didn't say no, so I just wanted to give you the details. Just in case you decide to come."

"Okay. Let me get a pen." I stand from my bed and lumber over to my desk where I grab my pen and notebook. "Go ahead."

"It's at The Showroom downtown, dinner starts at six on Saturday and the ceremony starts at seven thirty," he told me and I started to write everything down. "It's black tie, very formal. Ellie probably has a dress you can borrow if you need one."

"I have a dress."

"Oh. Okay, good. I know it stresses you out to go someplace you don't know without knowing the parking situation, but I couldn't find anything online about if they have a parking lot or anything. If you want, Ellie could pick you up so you don't have to worry about it," he said, his voice shaking with nerves.

"Is it really important to you that I be there, Casey?" I asked him.

"It would mean the absolute world," he assured me, paused, and then said, "But no pressure. I don't want to pressure you into anything and I totally understand if you can't make it."

"What's this award for? It better be something good if I'm going to get all dressed up for it," I said, trying to lighten the mood with a joke, but it fell flat. I still wasn't sure if I was going to go or not. I could tell how much he was trying and I knew that if he kept trying this hard to get me back into his life, I'd crumble eventually.

"It's called the Breakthrough Award," he said. "It's kind of a big deal. I have to give an acceptance speech and everything."

I didn't respond for a long time, trying to stay strong. Trying to remind myself that we weren't supposed to be doing this. Work only, no getting close. He was a flight risk and it hurt so much the last time he left and this was so stupid. I went through all the reasons that I always listed out when I felt myself about to crack, but none of them felt as genuine anymore.

"Are you nervous?" I asked him.

"I'm freaking out."

"Do you have it planned out already?"

"Yeah. You want to hear it?" he offered.

"Okay." I heard some papers shuffling around and as he prepared to give me his speech, I asked him, "Where's Rebecca? She doesn't mind you being on the phone at all hours of the night?"

"Oh, she's at her place. We don't live together," he told me and maybe I was imagining it, but I sensed some bitterness in his tone.

"You don't? But... you're engaged," I said dumbly, and then when I heard the judgment in my voice, I immediately started to back track. "I mean, I guess some people don't move in together until they're married, so it's not that weird. I just assumed, I guess."

"We still can't agree on which apartment to keep," Casey said. "It's a whole thing. Okay, I found my paper. Are you ready?"

"I'm on the edge of my seat."

"Okay," he cleared his throat. "I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have been selected to receive the Breakthrough award this year."

"You're overwhelmed?" I interrupted him pretty quickly. "Really?"

I heard him start to laugh on the other end of the phone. "I got three words in before you started to heckle me."

"Are you sure you want me there? You already sound so nervous, I don't know if I'm helping."

"You've always been my toughest critic." He sounded very amused by this and then added, "It humbles me. Now, as I was saying. I'm overwhelmed, blah blah, and then I go into how I'm excited to have my work recognized on the research of the importance on virulence and pathogenesis in Candida albicans. Then I'll mention my colleagues who have been working along side me."

"Very nice of you."

"After that, I bring up getting my degrees at Harvard, but do you think that sounds too braggy?"

"Yes, but I feel like that's something you're allowed to brag about," I told him. "You should leave it in."

"Okay, so I talk about Harvard and then I go through some quick thank yous to Ellie and Rebecca," he explained to me. "And that's it. I kept it pretty short."

"No stand up comedy routine? You didn't even crack one joke."

"I'm a scientist, not a comedian."

It wasn't until this moment that I realized he sucked me in. I was falling right back into old patterns with Casey, picking up where we left off like we were seventeen again. It went against every rule I set for myself, but I didn't even care, because it felt so good.

"Let me write you a joke or two."

"You're a comedian now, Josie?"

"I'm a writer, I'm sure I can think up something."

"So you want to write a joke to put into my very professional, fancy award acceptance speech in front of hundreds of industry professionals?"

"Why do you sound so doubtful of my comedic talent, Casey?" I asked him. "I'll even give you a list of ideas to choose from. I think a few jokes is really what your speech needs to spice things up."

"Okay, let's see what you've got."

"Seriously?" I asked in disbelief. I didn't think he'd actually agree to that, I was just teasing him because that was how our relationship used to be. Talking to him at night, in the dark where I can't see all the wrong turns this could take, it was so easy.

"It gives you more incentive to show up, so yes, I'll do it. No dick jokes though."

A cackle of laughter escaped my throat. "What if it's a really subtle dick joke, and nobody will know that it's a dick joke other than us?"

"Josie, I know you're a talented writer, but you can't be so good as to veil a dick joke so heavy that nobody in the room would get it," he said in disbelief. "And I know that I just said that, you're going to try."

"I'm absolutely going to try."

Through laughter, he said, "Rebecca would kill me."

"I'll take full blame," I assured him. "Don't worry so much, it's just a speech. You are going to be the only person in that room that remembers what you said after you step off the stage."

"Unless there's a dick joke, I bet people would remember that."

"They are always funny."

On the phone, it almost felt like I was talking to the old Casey. To seventeen year old Casey. His voice was the same, his laugh was the same. In person, he was bulkier and older with stress lines and a button up shirt. On the phone, he was just Casey and it was somehow so much easier for me to fall back into him when I could forget that time had passed.