Her Bucket List | KTH FF

-four-

The deal sounded like something I could work well with. But agreeing to it still felt suspicious. Out of all the girls he's probably met, he wants to make this deal with me. "Deal." And I seal the deal with a handshake with him. I still didn't want to agree to it because somehow, I had a feeling, I was going to regret it. But for the sake of the promise, I made with dad; I ended up agreeing to it.

And I left for home.

~

The stars were extremely pretty today. They were shining so brightly it almost made me smile. Smiling wasn't something I did frequently, it's not that I hated it but I just had no reason to. But spending my time at the rooftop with the wind hitting my face and swiping away the strands of my hair made me recall of my mother. The rooftop had always been a comfort zone for me because it was where I used to spend my time with my mother. The wind against my frame appealed to embrace me with all the emotions it could gather. I huffed out a breath and walked back to my room. I sat on my study table and began studying for an upcoming test. I had my headphones on because the blasting music silenced the world and kept me shut away from everyone. It was marvelous. "Y/N!" I flinched upon hearing my name suddenly. I took off my headphones and turned around, "Dad, when did you arrive?" I laughed nervously. "If you do that again, I will confiscate your headphones. I've been calling out to you for the past 78 seconds and you straight up avoided me." He sounded a little annoyed.

I apologized. "Now, come down for dinner Y/n, it's getting quite late." I glanced at my watch. "But it's just 7:30 right now." I reasoned shocked at his claim. "So, what Y/n, I have to sleep early today." His voice didn't sound like his usual voice. I went downstairs and had dinner with him but not once did a smile grace his face. I understood that something was wrong. After we were done with eating dinner, I helped him clean the dishes. "Why are you so dulled today? Is something wrong?" I asked him. He shook his head as a no. "Then why are you so silent today?" I asked him. "I just had a bad day at work kiddo I'm sorry if somehow I ended up spilling it out on you." He said and patted my head. He took his apron out and straightaway headed to bed. About an hour later, I went to his room and saw him sleeping while hugging my mother's portrait. Just the sight of it made me feel sick, upset, I missed her too. I draped a blanket over him and let him sleep.

(Next Day)

The chirping of the words woke me up. I let out a yawn and did my morning duties. When I headed downstairs, I saw dad with the biggest smile plastered on his face. "Okay my morning is blessed. How come you're so happy?" I asked him, slightly smiling at the sight of him smiling. I simultaneously ate my breakfast as I waited for him to answer. "I CRACKED THE BIGGEST DEAL OF THE YEAR!" My hands stopped in their tracks; I looked up at him. I stood up from my chair and went to hug him tightly, I hadn't hugged him for a very long time. He had been working on this deal for the past 3 months. But I suddenly heard a honk signaling Won-Jīn was here, so I broke the hug and bid adieu to dad. I sat in her car as she drove the both of us to school.

When I entered class Taehyung was already sitting next to my seat. I looked up at him but ignored him. I sat on my seat and took out my books. "I thought you were going to say hi to me." He spoke. I looked in his direction and gave him my straight face. "Why?" I asked him. "I- never mind. Also, I need a copy of your bucket list so that I can plan a schedule wherein we can accomplish each of those activities." He stated. I was looking straight ahead but shook my head as a yes in understanding. I took out a piece of sheet from my notebook and copied my bucket list on that paper. And when I was done, I handed it to him. "I don't even realize why I'm letting you help me," I didn't let go of the paper while he too had his grip on it, "but if you've agreed to help me, make sure to be loyal by doing so. I don't want any ruckus or failures. If you can help me then do help me, if not then tell me in advance." I let out a nervous breath as I let out those words out of me and I realized how selfish I may have sounded. "Oh, and yeah, I will definitely help you overcome your anger issues. It would be my pleasure to help you out too in return." He took the list from my hand and began reading it.

Fascinatingly, he did not let out a reaction while hearing me lay out basic conditions or after reading my entire list. It somehow bothered me. Why did he not react to it? Did he find it too corny? I shrugged off those thoughts and proceeded to pay attention in class. The moment the bell rang, I decided to move out. After a few classes, it was recess.

I let my eyes roam around every corner of the hall to spot Won-Jin but I spotted her eating with Jimin, so I decided not to disturb her. At least someone's love life was thriving. I found myself a seat at an isolated corner of the hall and began eating. I was wearing headphones yet again. I let my eyes look around me. Everyone had multiple friends, with whom they could hang out, with whom they could smile. It made me feel quite inferior to everyone because, I felt like I was the only one who was lonely. I had just one friend, but she too needed her personal space. I never wanted to interfere with it. Taehyung, he wasn't exactly a friend, but I couldn't burden him with my thoughts too.

Was I meant to end up alone? In a crowd of a hundred people, would no one ever step forward to choose just me? Would I never be happy?

All of these were really heavy on my heart. I let them weigh on me so much that I didn't realize the spoon in my hand slipped and fell on the table. It made a clink sound which managed to gather the attention of only a few people. I was embarrassed of it, I was embarrassed of myself, I had no friends, I was a loner. I let these thoughts bring out the worse in me, I stood up from my spot and rushed out of the hall and headed towards the washroom. I looked up at myself in the mirror and when I saw that my hands were shaking, I realized.

I was having a panic attack.