The Fighter's Club: Survival of The Fittest

Chapter 2 ◇◇ All of the Above

Chapter 2- All of the Above All

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close." ― Pablo Neruda

Dev

Dealing with all the emotional baggage both good and bad I've encountered throughout my life, past and present, I could say that the best feeling in the world was the feeling of having a new life growing inside you. It was like what I assumed getting glasses was like on the first time, you know? Not knowing better you think your vision is just fine.. that the world was just a blurry place full of in-definition and fuzziness however once you place your glasses on for the first time you realize what you've been missing. That the world could be a magical place if and only once you get a new perspective.

In a way that perfectly describes my point of view these days, being around three months pregnant. I was as happy as I could be these days, you know? Considering the trauma I'd only went through a couple of months ago, I was stronger emotionally, physically and psychologically than I'd ever been following any of the chaos in my life.

Normally the following months of the bad sh*t that happens to me, I mostly just float by in life. Emotionally detached as possible, scared and terrified all the time, jumpy and closed off from the world. The no sleep nights and the barely conscious awake days, the constant crying, the uncontrollable rage and nagging pain that seeps in and out of my mind and heart at any given time... it all just consumes me and takes me months and sometimes a year or more to get myself back on the rails.

 Even with the help of Dani by my side after my near death experience, it still took me about a year and some months to maintain a stable mind in order for move past it... or should I say move forward with it looming over my back like never leaving shadow. Touchy topic and even more the scars always felt fresh... like if I stood in the sun to try to get rid of the shadow the cuts/scars would burn to a crisp hurting me more than what was first attempted.

It was all a mind game that still til this day trips me into believing that subconsciously I deserved everything Dominic ever did to me. Like even though I know directly I put up as much fight as possible to try to fight him away that I still could have prevented it all, ya know?

I could have gone to the police but every part of me knows that I never been a snitch.. that would have been signed me death certificate and I would have never even seen the day he decided to fight the life outta of me literally.

If it's one thing that never changes in these streets is the stigma of snitching being the worst crime possible.. you could be every type of murder, killer, dealer, hitta, or con man whatever and if you don't step on anyone's toes you'll be fine. But if the streets hear you spittin' out its secrets then you're as good as dead. Anyone and everyone will be out for your head, the cops won't be able to help you and mother will cry in that black dress, it's a simple equation.

I could have simply went with Rashad but would I have been better off? I doubt the f*ck outta that! He was just as dirty as Dominic except I clearly could see what kind of monster Dominic was but Rashad was snake who hid in the bushes for years waiting for the right time to strike and see his venom in me.

A different type of evil but nonetheless they both intentionally wanted to hurt me simply because I was me.

Things have changed around me and even my relationship has seen those effects.. Chance even more overprotective if that was possible. Yet I expected it considering he has every reason to be and the ever running defiance in me has been dialed back like sh*t. Most of the time I have to bite my tongue to keep from arguing his demands but nonetheless I figure out how to deal and compromise even though that sh*t is way out of my nature.