Dysphoria

Chapter Thirteen

Fezco's POV

It had been days since I last saw her.
And every one felt longer than the last.

How the fuck can you only know someone a little while and already feel lonely without them.

Why the fuck does it hurt to think about her, and I can't stop my self from doing it every minute of the day?

This one in a million girl walked into my shop one night and she kept coming back. Just to hang out, just to talk to a bum like me. I knew in my heart I was stupid to hope I could ever have her. Or she'd ever stick around. I thought the first time she ever saw me dealin she'd run. But she didn't.

I knew it was wrong to hope someone like her could like someone like me.

I set myself up for failure. As usual.

She was just startin to let me in. Just startin to trust me like I was trustin her. She was tellin me about her old man, how she fuckin found him dead. She never deserved that shit, it broke my heart.

All I wanted was to help her, protect her from any more trouble. And I go and make it worse.

I fucked it all up.

I blamed Rue too.

But mostly I blamed myself.

For bringin the most beautiful fuckin girl I ever seen into a life or death situation.

I can't even breath when I remember it. It was like my own personal fuckin nightmare happenin in real life. I'd be lyin if I said I hadn't imagined her, I've thought about kissin her body, thought about touchin her. Some mornins I lay in bed thinkin what it would be like if she was beside me.

But I always wanted to make her feel good. It sounds corny but I wanted to make her feel loved...

So seein her having to snort a gram, maybe two grams of coke and get on a table and do all that sexual shit she didn't wanna do for some other dude... all to protect my dumb ass from buying the Fentanyl and lettin Rue take it.

I didn't know who I wanted to shoot more, Mouse or me.

Every time I try to sleep I see her blue eyes, the prettiest blue I ever seen in front of me and she's trying not to cry.

I hear him smackin her over and over.

I see her crawlin on the ground.

When she left I picked up that coffee table and smashed it into pieces.

I'm trying to keep things going for Ash and the business but, I hate every fuckin second of it.

And it's not just me. Ash misses her too.

He thinks I don't see it, but he ain't never warmed up to a girl like he did Nia. She wanted to get to know him, and she didn't run away when he would run his stupid mouth. She gave him respect.

Lil man would talk bout her and ask me things bout her all the time. Things I didn't even know about her yet.

One time she pulled up to the window in her Audi, just to honk the horn at him and blow a kiss. He recorded that shit off the CCTV onto his phone asap. Homie thought he was real fly. I don't blame him.

"Did you fuckin hear me?" Ash demanded.

"What? Nah." I shook my head.

"Look man, this shit has to stop. Go over there and buy some fuckin flowers or some shit."

"Man she don't want flowers!"

"I don't know I'm just sayin. She likes you, she told me herself the other day. She didn't know if you liked her, or if she was your type which was fuckin stupid. She said you was a gentlemen-

"A gentleman? Ha, that's real fuckin funny considerin I sat there and let her get used like a fuckin hoe cuz I didn't wanna buy and sell Fentanyl." I closed my eyes, feelin sick to my stomach.

I couldn't stand seein that sad look on his face. "Just forget about it Ash. It wouldn't have worked out anyways."

"Why not?"

"Cuz she's fuckin...special." I fight back the memory of holdin her, feelin how she hugged onto me like she needed me, when she said I made her feel better. It hurts to much.

"Yeah well you're fuckin special too, special needs that is. Get the fuck up and stop bein a bitch. She has more balls than you do clearly. And if you ain't gonna get her back then I will." He marched his angry little ass out the door.