Cassie's Reviews (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)

2: Band Camp || cynkruse26

Author: cynkruse26

Book title: Band Camp

Title

The title fits the story perfectly!

Cover

I loved it. The contrast of colors, the fonts, the size of letters, everything. It fits the story and the title perfectly too.

Blurb

The blurb is well-written, grammatically correct, and has the right length; it's not too short but neither too long.

Opening chapter

The first chapter starts in the present; six friends meet and remember the past. I liked the closeness between them, the way they seemed to care about each other, and the light atmosphere. I also liked that you chose this as your opening scene (which was more like an introduction to the story) before diving into the past and everything that happened in the camp. However, I didn't like how you moved back and forth in time in that chapter. For example, you could avoid the small scene ('"Oh, yeah...to the flashback!"') from the present day between the two flashbacks.

The pictures you used were distracting too. It would be better to describe the place in a few lines. Moreover, I noticed your description skills in the upcoming chapters, so I know you can do it.

The last thing I'd like to mention is the huge cast. I was overwhelmed by the names, the physical descriptions, and the introductions. (More thoughts on that later.)

Plot

The first few chapters cover a story of a couple of days, so there isn't a lot of progress. I like your idea and the way you portrayed it with the first scene in the present and then going back to the past. I think you can write descriptions really well. For example, I loved the description in chapter 4 at the scene with Riley and Marcos. The basketball scene was also very cute, but I wonder if everything happens too soon. The girls became friends immediately, and most of them have crushes; a few of them have a "relationship" too. So, I would try to firstly get them to know each other and then challenge them. For example, Riley and Celeste could be distant until the basketball game where they have to work together. You could show how that game made them a team and built their bond. And you could do the same with the boys. The friendships and the relationships usually need time to grow so you could spice it up by having more complexity and diversity.

Characters

I need to be clear about it, and I'm sorry if this comes out as harsh, but you have a lot of characters. It's difficult to remember who is who. I had to read the first five chapters twice to understand who was talking.

You might think that all of those people are important to your story but let's count them: 6 girls + the boys (love interests) + other people at the camp, that's more than 15 people. If you really believe that's how your story should be, then you should trust your gut and keep all the characters but make some changes. But, I want you to understand how a big cast can create problems for your story and the readers.

While you are familiar with each of your characters, your reader is only just getting to know them. So, in the first chapter, there are a lot of people who introduce themselves, and you immediately describe their features (hair, eyes, etc). Now, that can be overwhelming. Think about how you feel when you walk into a very crowded room in real life. You can't take in everyone's names, occupations, and backstories right away.

What's even trickier when having a lot of characters is finding a way to make them unique. The scene with the truth or dare in chapter 2 was cute and funny but everything before was a little too much. You don't have to mention what kind of musical instrument everyone plays at once. There's no way someone can remember all of that when you throw detail after detail. This doesn't make your characters unforgettable which should be one of your priorities.

Also, all of those people have different thoughts. In chapter five, there were 4 or more lines of different thoughts. Most of these shouldn't exist because you can use more descriptions.

For example, in chapter 2, when Hunter appears, Grace mentions that he wasn't there with everyone else during the introductions. Then, Hunter thinks that she's very observational, and Grace thinks he's good-looking. Hunter's thought is unnecessary. If she's the only one who noticed, then she's observational. You don't have to state it. Let the readers realize it. Furthermore, avoid Grace's thoughts by making her see him differently ("She was staring at him even after he had stopped talking.") or by making a cheeky remark later about him.

You can also consider deleting characters that don't offer anything important to the story, or you can combine characters.

Another idea is to use a chapter before the story begins to list your cast (names, occupations) so that anyone can go back to that chapter if they are confused.

On another topic, I understand that Ally is the main antagonist. But why is she so desperate to fall in love? And why is she so jealous? She needs a great background story which you might have given her in the upcoming chapters, but since I don't know it right now, I think it's important to remind it. Every character should have a goal, a passion, something they want to achieve, and reasons behind their actions. The greatest villains are the ones that people can understand because they see the "why".

SPaG

The grammar is perfect, there weren't any spelling errors, and you have great knowledge of the punctuation rules.

Remember to use different paragraphs when someone's talking and when describing. Don't put their thoughts, a dialogue, and a description in the same paragraph.

Overall impression

I believe you've got the right skills to write a great story and Band Camp could be very enjoyable. There are some great moments and cute incidents between boys and girls. However, you might want to consider the cast and the pace of the story. I hope you didn't think I was too harsh.

Take care and keep writing!