Cassie's Reviews (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)

13: LILLIANA RAVENBORN || NillianaRH

Author: NillianaRH

Book title: LILLIANA RAVENBORN

Title

The first thing I noticed is the symbols before and after the title. I didn't like them because it doesn't make your story look professional.

Cover

I like the colors and the font of the title, but the title shouldn't have the same color as the background. It should stand out.

Blurb

I won't mention here anything related to grammar and punctuation as there will be a section for that.

Despite the errors, the blurb is interesting, and the plot is nice. I didn't understand a lot. You should start by mentioning your protagonist, and it wasn't clear why they were prisoners. In the second paragraph, you mention some discoveries and later that she only knew she had to leave. That part was confusing.

The backstory/information chapter shouldn't exist. You can replace it with an author's note using only the first few lines. The rest (descriptions and characters information) shouldn't be there. I'm glad you've come up with so many details of the world and the protagonist, but these details should be shown during the story. Also, remember that sometimes authors create a lot of details about their world but don't have the chance to show them because they might be irrelevant at the moment. However, they are still useful and helpful when writing.

Opening chapter

I liked that you didn't use too many characters in the first chapter, and I appreciated the short descriptions.

I believe you could have avoided some repetitions and phrases. For example, before Zane shows up, you wrote: "My horns began to glow an orange silver as I tilted my head a bit confused about why but my confusion was soon answered when I heard a new voice."

1) I liked the mention of the color-changing when she's confused (extra credit for using body language).

2) You repeat "confused" and "confusion" in such a short time. If you read the sentence aloud, you'll notice what's wrong.

3) Since you use this "new voice" in the following line, there's no reason to mention that her confusion "was soon answered".

So: "Tilting my head in confusion (you can avoid the confusion part), my horns began to glow an orange silver.

What happened? I wondered as a voice broke the silence."

Sometimes it's best to use more direct sentences and words to get straight to the point. What I like to remind myself sometimes when writing is: Quantity doesn't equal quantity.

Also, it's best to avoid adding too many details. When Lily mentioned Zane's height, I thought: How? Is that another special power? It's best to use another way to show how tall he is.

All in all, this was an enjoyable chapter. However, I'm a little confused. If she was a prisoner (or locked, or at least in a closed area), and this is the start of her new life, why wasn't she more scared or hesitant when Zane saw her? I would expect her to be more worried.

Plot

I love the unique creature you used and the way Lily's horns change whenever she has a different feeling.

I would like to know more about the world. Not just Lily's past but also Zane's present. I'd like to know how people perceive creatures like Lily if the world is a dystopic one if there are any abnormalities or similarities to our world.

Also, you should check the pace of the story. There wasn't a lot of action in the first five chapters –mostly dialogues and movement from one place to another. It would be good to speed up things a little bit and, at the same time, start showing what happened to Lily in the lab (flashbacks, thoughts, anything will do).

Zane mentioned some characters, and it would be good to see his relationship with these characters in the upcoming chapters.

Another thing, I'd like to mention is that so far everything goes well. There should be more obstacles and difficulties Lily must overcome. This will make the story more interesting, but it will also give you the chance to explore her character and her reactions to stressful situations.

Characters

I wonder how old Lily is and whether her kind matures differently. In the blurb, you mention something like a prison lab, but I didn't see its effects on Liliana. Shouldn't she be more careful, worried, or curious about the world? She trusted Zane too fast.

Also, Zane seems a little shady to me. It's been 5 chapters, and we still don't know anything about him. Why is he helping her? And who were the women he talked with in the first chapter? I thought they would be important to the plot, but they didn't appear again. (It would be nice to add more characters who know Zane. It will help with his background).

SPaG

Always put a full stop at the end of your sentences, and a comma if a dialogue tag follows.

When you write someone's thoughts, there are two ways most people use them. But I'm not suggesting them only because they are famous but also because they make it clear where the description stops and the thought starts.

For example, in chapter one, you wrote: "My horns began to glow brighter. I can't try to escape...she's too close to not notice. I thought to myself as I started to accept my fate."

Instead, you could write: "My horns began to glow brighter.

I can't try to escape without her noticing it, I thought, accepting my fate."

I removed a few words because it's best to use more direct phrases and words. The second way would be to put the thoughts in quotation marks as if it was a dialogue. You would still have to separate the description from the thought.

Overall impression

I believe you have a lot to learn, but no writer is perfect or knows everything, so don't feel discouraged. I think that showing the world and maturing Lily will boost this story. Join book clubs and awards to get more feedback and keep writing!

Take care.