Cassie's Reviews (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)

15: Masquerade Vehemence || alexandria_nick

Author: alexandria_nick

Book title: Masquerade Vehemence

Title

I love the title. It promises a story full of mystery and twists.

Cover

The cover is beautiful. I like the colors and the font. It's mysterious, yet simple.

Blurb

I liked the blurb. It was short, but it includes the main character and the setting. I liked the last humorous part too. However, I'm not sure if it fits the first paragraph.

Prologue

Your prologue stands out, and it might be the shortest I've ever read. My main concern when I see a prologue is if the story needs one. This one is interesting and original, but I don't think it's necessary. Also, the fact that it has fewer reads than the first chapter shows me that you probably added it later. I'm curious to know if it was a suggestion or a decision you made at a certain point in the story.

I probably read your story during an editing phase because you repeat "chapter 4" and "chapter 5" (different content though). So, if you see mentions of chapters 4 and 5, I mean the fourth and fifth chapters of the list respectively.

Plot/Flow

Flow

In general, I liked your writing style, the way the paragraphs connect, and especially, the way you use all senses when describing. However, there were a few moments when I felt that the flow is hindered.

In chapter 1, I liked the first paragraph and the contrast between Las Vegas and Vatican City. I think it sets the tone of the story and the struggle between good and evil. However, the paragraph seems completely out of place. Maybe you could incorporate it into the first scene?

The transition between the two scenes (of chapter 1) wasn't very smooth. One of the reasons is that you clearly show the time and therefore, the first difference between the scenes. Also, the constant mention of "the boy said"/ "the girl said" doesn't let the reader connect with the characters.

In the second chapter, the end of the first scene is awkward. Something is missing.

In chapter 4, the flow is hindered by the mention of "present". You managed to transition from the present to the flashback well, but the ending was abrupt. I would add something along the lines of "reminding him where he was" after Sarah's first line after the flashback.

Plot

After reading the first five chapters, I must admit that the things I don't understand are more than the ones I do understand. Chapter 1 was a little confusing: 1) You probably avoided mentioning the names of the two people in scene 1 to create more mystery but that didn't help me connect with the characters or connect them with the rest of the story. I would put that scene as a prologue by the way. 2) The next scene was also confusing. I felt that you rushed this one, without giving time to the reader (me in that case) to comprehend what's happening.

I loved the world-building and especially this new term –the terminators. That was very original and interesting to read.

Honestly, in chapter 3, I was convinced that Nathan and Ava had a love story, but by the moment I read that letter, something felt odd. I don't know if there's going to be a twist about them, especially after the chapter where he was remembering (?) her, but I can feel something surprising happening.

The story was clearer chapter by chapter, but you did a great job concealing a lot of information (intentionally or not). That scene with Romain and the woman was strange at first but made more sense after you revealed some of Nathan's background.

Characters

So far, Nathan is the most interesting character. He's got a dark, full of secrets past and his intentions aren't clear. I liked that you added this little detail of his character; The fact that he forgets (could it be fake?) Sarah's name is intriguing for many reasons. How well do they know each other? If he needs her, why can't he remember her name?

Sarah is an enigma to me. I can't see how this woman can be so important especially because she seems to know very few details about Nathan's plan and his story with Ava. I think Sarah could be more interesting. I'd like to see her fiercer side.

SPaG

I didn't notice a lot of mistakes. The grammar was great, I loved the words you used, but I noticed a few typos. Also, I failed to comprehend a few sentences (I don't know if it's my fault or not).

For example, in chapter two, in one of the first paragraphs, there's an extra "her": "She touched her the lower ends of her wavy auburn hair..."

There's a sentence in chapter 4 that felt odd. I tried to understand what it means but my brain can't process the sentence. Could you, please, explain what you meant here: "Until the day Sarah and Nathan met died."?

In chapter 4, you forgot the first quotation mark: "You say you've got siblings...their help?"

In chapter 5, there's an extra "hear" after the moment Sarah reads the letter: "She again heard hear Nathan asking her..."

Overall impression

Your story is one of those I'd probably read if someone suggested it to me. I can see this story being published in a few years.

I liked that you leave small messages at the end of the chapters and ask questions about the plot. It helps you connect with the readers!

All in all, I enjoyed reading your story. I'd like to read more, especially because I want to see Sarah and Nathan's personalities unfold.

I recommend joining some book clubs to get more feedback and advertise your story more.

Take care!