Take Me

Chapter Twelve

♔ Chapter Twelve ♔         

I never thought that I could be happy. Genuinely, wonderfully, completely happy. Not the way that most people were, at least. Those people on the streets that held hands and kissed and cuddled, those people that we see and we become intimately jealous of because we don't have what they have, and we'll never have what they have. Those people that just make us furious with their public displays of affection and their disgusting lovable bullshit. And that was because we knew somewhere within ourselves that a happiness like theirs just wasn't made for us.

I'd just known all of my life that I wasn't going to live one of those lives, where everything was normal and I was okay, where we'd all live happily ever after, and nothing would ever hurt us. I knew I'd never have that, that just wasn't me.

But what I did have was a pitiful little life, where I lived on the margins, away from everything else, where I lulled in Limbo by myself, alone, with no one and nothing - exactly what I deserved, especially for the things that I'd done.

The guilt that I'd felt for the things that I'd done would never leave me, and I'd known that forever. The guilt would never go away, it would weigh me down for as long as I lived, pressing on my shoulders and obliterating any chance of anyone loving me, of anyone giving me happiness. I was just too fucked for anyone to truly care about me. And recently, what I had with Isaac only felt like I was being teased, like I was being shown something that I knew I'd never have. Because once he found out what I had done, I'd lose him.

It was only by some suspicious miracle that Darby even wanted to be my friend, after finding out my darkest secret. But Darby had always been intrinsically crazy, making silly decisions and never regretting them. He followed his heart and ignored everything else. His brain, his gut, common sense, they all abandoned him and he did whatever his heart told him. That was stupid of him, I know, but that was why I liked him.

And I hated it. I hated that I liked Isaac, that I liked Darby, that I wanted what I did, even though I knew it would only lead to more pain and more guilt. I'd never get what I wanted because that wasn't the kind of world that we lived in, and I had to face up to that.

But even then, every time I'd see Isaac, I'd want him. I'd want him in any and all ways possible, and I didn't care if that made me a whore. When his dark brown eyes would find mine, I'd sink like the Titanic, and I'd drown in his absolute gorgeousness. I couldn't withstand him. I wanted him. I wanted him to fuck me, to like me, love me, lick me, kiss me. I wanted everything.

And in those moments, I didn't care about the consequences, and I didn't care about the fact that one day he'd discover my secrets and leave me, because I knew that I'd still have that moment to cherish forever. Even if I could only relive them in my mind, at least I'd still have them, and at least no one could take them away from me, because they were mine forever, and he was mine forever, even if I couldn't be his.

I hadn't spoken to him in a while, though. Not in person since he left my house over the weekend. We'd texted a little, and we'd sent sneaky nudes, but we hadn't actually spoken. I'd caught his glance in first period history too, but other than that, nothing had actually happened between us, and I was desperate for it to.

The Secret Bae: R u still up for it?

I got the text during the last five minutes of my final lesson of that day.

Me: Still up for what? I replied, hiding my phone under the table so my geography teacher couldn't see. She was blind as a bat anyway, and in serious need of retirement, and glasses, but still.

The Secret Bae: To fuck on Jill's desk, remember? We made plans. Don't tell me u forgot.

Me: Shit, I started. I did forget. But we still can, if u want.