Take Me

Chapter Thirty

♔ Chapter Thirty ♔

I'd been brushing my teeth on one casually lazy morning, when things started to change again. I spat out the mouthwash and looked up at myself in the mirror, but what I saw looking back at me wasn't merely myself. His hair was wet and stuck to his forehead, his eyes bubbled and empty, and his lips a deep brooding blue. I dove backwards, hitting the bathroom wall behind me when I realised what was happening.                                                        

"Surprise, bitch," he laughed. "I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me," Luke said. And then he stepped out of the mirror, as real as ever. No, even more real than before, because this time, I didn't want him back. I wasn't holding onto him anymore, so why was he here?

"Why are you back?" I mumbled. "I don't understand. I let you go."

He shifted uncomfortably, laughing. "That's clearly not the case, though, or else I wouldn't be here. I missed you too, by the way. Yeah, and thanks for the welcome back party."

"But... I let you go," I repeated.

"We've already passed the whole denial phase, baby bro, so let's just skip the crap. We both know why I'm still here, and that's because you want me here, don't you?" I stayed silent, so he continued. "Things going good with Darby? They mustn't be, or else why do you still want your dead brother? He doesn't make you happy, does he? Or, not as happy as I could make you. You hate the idea of it, you hate that you still think it, but in the back of your mind, you know it's true. You could be happier with me. Darby could never love you, not like I could, and you know it. Think about it. Why don't you join me? We'll have great sex, and this time it'll be real. You want it, I know you do. Come and get it."

"I can't deal with this, with you," I told myself. I needed him gone. Just imagine him gone, Tom, and he'll be gone. I'm in control here, he isn't. All I have to do is imagine he wasn't here, and he'd go away. But then again, it had never felt like I was ever really in control. It was never me pulling the strings, it was always someone else.

"Fine," he started, "ignore me. Try and forget me. But you can't. Whenever you think you're close to happiness, whenever you find yourself thinking that he could be the One, whenever you're a smidge closer to getting your happily-ever-after, I'll come swooping back in to remind you that it's not real, to remind you that the only thing that is really real is what we had for each-other. Isaac, no. Darby, no. Will it be Bobby next, or some other unlucky cunt? Doesn't matter. They aren't me, and I'm who you really want. Keep looking, Tom, but you'll never find what you're looking for, so you may as well quit while you're ahead."

"Leave me alone," I begged him. "Go away and leave me alone, please, Luke. Please."

I couldn't handle him being back, knowing what that really meant. He was right, wasn't he? I had to ask myself. I had to consider that he was. He wasn't even real. Everything that he was saying was coming from my own head, my own inner consciousness. Every word he said must be right, but with all my heart, I didn't want it to be. The last thing I possibly wanted was to have no hope, and knowing that no matter how hard I looked, I'd never be really happy, destroyed any last dreg of hope I had left in me. I was drained.

I felt myself breaking down all over again. I felt the floor in my hands, and realised I was lying down on the bathroom tiles. I felt tears soaking from my eyes, and whenever I looked up, there he was, looming over me like a great ugly beast. But I could never hate him, because he was always right. He'd always been right, but no matter what I did, I always tried to ignore him. And now where was I?