Take Me

Chapter Eighteen

♔ Chapter Eighteen ♔

That night wasn't like any of the others, when I'd stay up and I'd just sat there, thinking about nothing. It was one of those meaningless moments in my life when time stood still and everything seemed so existential. Every second felt like a whole eternity in itself, sitting up and watching him the whole night. I'd been thinking about life and death, how pointless it all seemed, just being generally morbid.

I'd considered death a long time ago, thinking about how easy it would be just to end it all. To find some peace, away from the guilt and the torment in my life. It would just be so easy, too easy, to just let go. But I couldn't even do that, I was too much of a coward to actually take that step forward, to kill myself. And these thoughts hadn't just came to me once, but dozens of times, randomly, whenever the opportunity came.

Most of the time, I'd be by the side of the road, and I'd see a car or bus or whatever speeding up, and my foot would step off of the curb, outwards, right towards it. But I wouldn't take another step. I'd stay there, frozen, knowing that I could never actually do it.

Other times, I'd be standing on a bridge, sitting over the railings. Maybe I'd peak over the edge to look at the river underneath flowing heavy, or maybe I'd just dangle my legs over the barriers. I'd just sit there, most of the time, thinking about it, but never doing it. Maybe one I would finally take that last leap, and I'd be free.

The worst times were at the sea-front. I'd see myself in the water, floating. The strong currents would drag me far out, tossing me against the rocks and the quay walls. I'd try to scream, to breath, but all I'd have was water, filling into my lungs, choking me. The sea would crash and thunder, sucking me in, and spitting me back out, dead. The saddest part of it all was that I actually wanted it to happen, I hoped for it to happen.

Bobby had fallen asleep sometime early in the night, but I hadn't. I did what I always did, and I stayed awake with Luke, staring at him, into his drowned, blue soul. He kept me awake.

Sleep had always seemed pointless to me, and most nights, especially recently, I hardly broke two or three hours. Some nights, I wouldn't even sleep at all. I'd rarely get tired, but when I did, I pushed the restlessness away, because the last thing that I wanted right now was to sleep.

My dreams were always the horrifying kind, the kind where it was hard to catch your breath, where even though you somehow knew that you were asleep, it seemed more real than the real world. If I let myself sleep, I'd get terrified, I'd get confused about which world was real, whether or not I was sleeping or if this was real life.

Was this even real life? You could never be sure of things like that. What if your whole life was a dream, and one moment, you just woke up in bed, an entirely different life, in an entirely different story?

Sometimes, I prayed for that to happen. I prayed that I'd wake up, and this whole thing would have been just one long, unending nightmare. I prayed that I'd wake up and Luke would be sleeping calmly in the bed beside me. I'd pinch myself, to make sure that it was real, and I'd get out of bed. I'd climb in beside him, snuggling with him.

He'd mumble my name, half-asleep, and he'd wrap his arms around me - that was reality. That was what the real world should be, where everything was okay and Luke was always with me. It would seem like we were safe, even if only for the shortest amount of time, feeling like nothing could hurt us.

But then I'd wake up, and what I thought was reality was just a cruel dream, a reminder, torturing me, teasing me with everything that I couldn't have. I couldn't have my brother back, I couldn't have happiness. I couldn't even have a good night's sleep without being tormented and haunted by him.