Shawn
"I swear this is the last time I'm going to try and contact you, after this I'll leave it up to you now . I'm always the one crawling back to you after countless times you disrespect me and made me hate who I am . But if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in the place I am now, I'm going to put it on the table . I really do love you, we never were in a strong relationship but I always had strong feeling for you . We did have those times when trust wasn't an issue, we would be together all day never wanting to separate from each other . My own demons kept me from being happy, it kept me from being with you . Unless you have some guy forcibly fuck you against your own will all because he simply can, you will never understand why I went through that mental change . I'm tired of explaining myself to you, I'm a hoe and I'll always be one to you . Just like this baby is yours and no matter how hard you pray it not to be it will always be your baby . You have the chance to see your child any time you like, but you stay away for too long just stay away for good . We'll do fine without you ."
Before that Voice Mail I left him 2 text messages, I'm not about to beg him to call me I don't want to crawl back anymore I got to stand on my own two feet .
"What's the matter with you ?"
"He's not answering me, you know how much this means to me Ma . I didn't know this was possible and he's taking this moment away from me, I want what we didn't have . I want him in this kid's life ." I cried
"You can't make a boy become a man, they asses can make all the babies they want but it takes a man to raise them ."
"Ma he knows everything about me, he told me he --- nevermind . I just don't understand, I wanted better ."
"You're the only one who is going to achieve better, he left and most likely isn't coming back . He's not man enough to handle you at your worst, you can forget him sticking around for your best ."
I didn't want to tell her everything Marlon said to me, she would most likely 9 out of 10 flown up there and either killed him or bring his ass back . I don't care anymore, I have 9 months to go on my own and it's looking like 18+ without his help . I thought about my options for school, it makes no point paying all that money to go when I won't be able to attend in the coming months, I enrolled in online courses for the spring semester it's my only option .
Each month that goes by the anticipation grows, I been reading books for each month to know what's going on with the changes of my body . For instance I definitely have more energy, my baby started kicking last week, I can feel it moving all around now, and it's close to 5 ounces but we still have long months to go . I still haven't said a word to Marlon, but every time I go to the Doctors I always send him a sonogram through the mail thinking may he'll look at it and at least hold on to it instead of throw it away like he probably does .
"Did you find out what your having ?" my mother asked
"I don't know if I want too, I made an appointment for tomorrow just incase I want to ."
If I do find out the sex and find a way to tell Marlon maybe he'll get more into this pregnancy and actually have the heart to apologize, maybe if he knows exactly what he's missing out on he'll step up and come back .
"Shawn you came in two weeks ago, you're not due to come in for another three weeks . Everything okay ?"
"I can't sleep, it's important that I find out the sex of my baby today ."
"That's not a problem, you taking your prenatal vitamins on time ?" he asked starting up the machine
"Yes sir, I don't ever forget them ."
"You sure you want to find out the sex ?"
"Yes please ."
"I don't see any genitals, it's a girl ."
