Shawn
When I look into the mirror, I see a constant reminder that I am a failure . Everything I touch leaves me or uses me and I have no one to blame for that but myself, if I could rewind time I would have went back and told my former self that you don’t need to spread yourself open for the affection and the attention of someone’s touch and love . Trust the people around you even those seem to have a different agenda than you, don’t lie to the ones you love because you’ll never be able to get to them to restore the faith back in you .
Even if God would let me rewind back to the beginning before I lost myself I would go back to the time Marlon and I were getting close, I know for a fact that he won’t believe me when I tell him this but he’s the first and only guy I let willingly fuck me without a condom . The reason wasn’t just because I wouldn’t have to worry about a pregnancy but it’s because I had a deep level of trust for him, there have been guys I had sex with without a condom but it was only the one guy who raped me and maybe out of the three times I got beyond drunk at a party and couldn’t tell whether they protected themselves or not . I would’ve told Marlon everything that has become a struggle for me and that I need him in my life because he’s the only man that has given me any kind of guidance no matter how low he may think of me now, maybe if I did I could’ve made a completely different future for myself .
But all because of my mistakes I made Marlon has cut off all ties with me, it feels like my protector and savior has died . I went hysterical when he did that, I couldn’t completely understand why he was doing this when I already told him I’m changing I can’t fucking do it over night . But he must’ve realized that my words meant nothing, I found my way to a party and now I know this will be my last .
I was faded like never before, the worst part of it was that I was alone and vulnerable to anything that headed my way .
“Okay, whose dick do I have to suck to get some attention around here ?” I said with a laugh as I slumped my body up the person bedrooms door
Females looked at me like I was crazy, some of the guys did the same but the others smiled biting there lip with a grin as they scanned my to see if I was a competitor for the night .
But nobody came to step to me, but I always have a plan B . Leaving the door cracked I laid on the persons perfectly made bed, if they see you weak and defenseless that’s when they want to strike . I laid on the bed in my tight bare clothes waiting for someone to come in the room and mount on top of me but after a while no dude did . What the hell is wrong with my game tonight ?
As I staggered out the room I headed to the kitchen as everyone watched me with evil eyes, picking up the bottle of Vodka I put it to my mouth and guzzled it down like it was nobody’s business . Someone tried pulling the bottle away from me but I ended up dropping the entire bottle on the floor, I was past intoxicated .
A couple of girls found out who was and tricked me to going outside for something, before I knew it I was being jumped . But I was so drunk I didn’t feel a thing, when I finally picked my body off the curb I walked into the woods trying to find my way home but it was no use .
