Malcolm: Well, well, well, if it isn't Hollywood and the Squares.
Lenny: Hey, Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at Kmart, and apparently the hair on top of your head didn't know it, either.
Malcolm: What?
Eric: Do me a favor, go like this. I think I got something in my teeth.
Malcolm: What?
Kurt: You know, next time, you should use that Chia Pet stuff on your whole head.
Malcolm: What?
Cassie: Why is Higgins buying O.J.'s knife right now?
Kurt: Hey, Malcolm, is that the knife the Indians used to half-scalp you with?
Malcolm: I don't even get that. What?
Lenny: Oh, come on, let's cheer him up Benny Hill-style. Here we go. Come on, come on, come on, come on...
They all slap his head multiple times
Lenny: Yo, Crocodile Dumb-dee, how'd it go with the kid?
Marcus: Good, good. He's in school.
Lenny: Kid's in school for one day?
Marcus: I didn't know what else to do. He's a thug, Lenny. He cut the head off a teddy bear. Imagine what he'll do to me.
Cassie: So you're gonna buy this to cut his head off?
Lenny: No, I just want him to think I'll cut his head off so then he won't cut my head off.
Robideaux: You want to scare a relative without causing permanent injury? May I Suggest this?
He sprays himself in the face with pepper spray
Robideaux: Ahhh!
Worker: Sir? Sir? Can you get off the bed? It's wake-up time.
Nick: Yeah, all right, Grandma, I'm up! Stop yelling at me. I like sleeping over. It's just you always yell. You don't have to yell at me. I love you. I don't understand.
Worker: Clean-up, aisle nine.
Nick: Get out of me!
Worker: And bring a shovel.
Malcolm: So, my son Bumpty told me he's gonna ask your daughter out on a date at school today.
Kurt: First of all, my daughter's never been out on a date before, and I'm sure she's not gonna start off with some kid named Bumpty.
Malcolm: He is the only other black kid in her grade. Wait, you want her to date a white guy?
Kurt: Yeah, Farrakhan. I'd rather she date the whitest white guy in the world than your little bald-headed boy.
Malcolm: All right, but, you know, don't worry when she says yes, 'cause I already had the talk with him.
Kurt: What talk? Dating.
Malcolm: I told him how we used to roll with the ladies in high school.
Lenny: I should get some pepper spray for my kid. Some moron on the bus keeps messing with him, and he refuses to fight back.
Marcus: You know, that reminds me of someone I know.
Lenny: Who?
Cassie & Marcus: You.
Lenny: What are you talking about? I got in plenty of fights.
Robideaux: Remember ninth grade when Tommy Cavanaugh moved here from Texas? He nonstop abused you, and you did nothing about it.
Lenny: Tommy Cavanaugh was a 'roid freak. He had back zits on his back zits. Plus, he was joking around with me. If it was real, I swear to God, I would've knocked him out.
Eric: Hey, isn't that Cavanaugh right there?
Lenny: Where?
Lenny turns around and falls of the workout equipment
Eric: Gotcha.
Lenny: That was really funny, man, really funny. Hey, you weren't exactly Captain Courageous when we were growing up, now, were you?
Eric: Hey, I never backed out of a fight, though.
Lenny: Yeah, but did you ever jump off Suicide 35 at the quarry?
Marcus: Oh, that's right. He always came up with a lame excuse not to do it.
Eric: What are you talking about?
Marcus: "Oh, I can't. "I'm on my period. It'll attract sharks."
Robideaux: Suicide 35 off the top rock. 35 feet above the water. My mom did that jump when she was pregnant with me.
Nick: There's a raft in there?
Pulls the string and a raft pops out
Nick: Whoa! Who did that?
Cassie: dad we should go, we don't wanna be late for Becky's ballet recital
