My thoughts on your screen

1 Selfish I Know

I am so selfish.

Always putting myself first.

I tear myself apart because of it.

And actively try to put others before me

Even maybe a little too much.

But that's selfish to think.

But what about me?

Why can't I ever take up for myself.

Why can't I get what I want when everyone around me seems like they...

demand it?

It's unfair.

I always get the short stick it seems.

Isn't that selfish?

There are so many people that have it worse than me.

I should be grateful.

But this sick selfish part of my brain wants to tell everyone around how,

when I kill myself.

It'll be their fault.

But that's incredibly selfish.

Isn't it?

It's selfish that I have to stop myself from carving my arms like a piece of wood

because if I do

What will they feel when they see it?

Will they lay in bed at night wondering if they could've done something to make it better?

If they could've helped me?

Like I already do?

But it's selfish to think that they don't worry.

Even if I put my worries into words and they don't

Even if I tell people they are loved and they don't

And even if I hug people when they need it and

yet again

they don't.

It's selfish that I would even think that they don't care.

Even when I screamed I want to kill myself

And you looked at the neighbors house.

That was selfish of me.

I should've made sure they were inside.

Right?

It's selfish that I don't want to be touched.

They are right they are my family

They made me who i am

But that gives them the right to touch my body?

It's selfish to think otherwise.

I should know that they

Own me, and my time.

Because it's selfish if I don't have time for them.

Even with my fifty hour work weeks and my two jobs and my sleep

And my cats

I should know to make time for them

Because I'm selfish if I don't.