The Vøid in Yøur Eyes

Two for Two

John and Michael met during a social gathering before John had broken up with Diane.
After John broke up, they sort of just became friends because Michael had stuck around and John desperately needed someone to hangout with when he wasn't out brutally murdering people. So that he could keep his mind off the recent events.
Neither of them particularly liked each other, but Michael was a curious man. So he decided to stick around to hear what John had to say.

John: "Ever since then I've been feeling like the prime of my life is behind me. Like, I doubt I'll ever achieve that level of happiness again. I've been feeling numb. Like I've been dead for years and all that's left is a walking corpse that's slowly rotting away."

Michael: "Aren't we all just walking corpses, slowly rotting away?"

"Yeah, I guess so. But other people seem so much happier to me. I look at them and I feel like damn, these people have got their shit together. Me? I'm more lost than I've ever been. Like, lately I've been unable to tell if I'm having a good time or not. I just can't. Not anymore. Like, we're sitting here right now, communicating, pouring our hearts out to each other, and that's what life's all about, isn't it? Connecting. But, am I having fun? I just don't know. I used to always be certain of exactly how I feel at any moment, exactly what I want, exactly how I'm gonna get it. I used to be in control. Now I'm not. I'm unable to be. I've been unable for so long I don't even know where to begin if I wanted to gain it back, but I don't even know if that's what I really want. It's a fucking paradox! Y'know how people always say, life has its ups and downs? Mine used to have some great ups, and some terrible downs, but the ups were always worth it. It's why I'm still here. Otherwise I would've killed myself decades ago. Now, I just feel like it's both up and down at the same time. Or if that's not possible then maybe instead of suddenly crashing down then slowly building itself back up like anyone else's it's just constantly moving between up and down in seconds. Like, it jumps between up and down so fast I can never tell if I'm depressed or having the time of my life. One minute, I'm laughin' and talkin', havin' a great time with friends or something, another I suddenly feel like cutting the same people's heads off or beating them to death or somethin' like that, and for no good reason. It's too fast. I feel like I've been split into two people and they're constantly in battle. Neither of them gainin' control for long. Just fightin' and fightin' with absolutely no winners. Or constantly changin' winners I guess.They're two for two. Jumpin' between kind and cold, nice and asshole, hugs and strangles, good and evil, and I don't even actually believe in any of these dumb made up concepts. I'm a nihilist! That's why I never know which side to take. I mean I kinda like 'em both but I also hate them. Am I bipolar or something? What should I do?"

Tøny: "Maybe if you stop fighting yourself, you'll finally become whole again. Let the demon rise. Be who you really are. Be me."

"Um... honestly, I have no idea pal."

"Thanks. You're always such a great help. You should become an advisor or somethin'. Maybe a shrink."

"My pleasure."