Swim like Hell

° .• Chapter Nine ° .•

TW - Negative thoughts, mentions of panic attacks and depression.

Alec's POV:

Entering my empty house, I brushed over the lonely feeling it brought as I headed to my room. My mind was heavily preoccupied as I climbed the stairs and entered my room. I couldn't make sense of any of my thoughts, struggling to focus. In frustration, I threw myself onto my bed in anguish, now staring into the darkness above me.

Except, all I could imagine was Elijah. Kissing me. Over and over.

"Fuck!" I growled out in frustration, rubbing my hands over my face roughly as if it would rid me of the memory.

I hadn't gotten one answer from him like I intended. Now, I was even more confused. Did I ruin his life by having him like me? Did he like me? Was it spur of the moment? Did he just want to fuck with me more so I wouldn't get the real answer?

Anything was possible with Elijah.

My brain couldn't comprehend any of this as I tried to piece it together. Yet, any logic I had was thoroughly overshadowed by the thought of Elijah kissing me. It played over and over like a broken record.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn't I stop envisioning it? It wasn't like this with Isaac, it's not as if this was some sexual awakening otherwise I'd have had that with Isaac. Why was this different?

Why is he different?

"Fuck this," I snapped, unable to lie there having the same scenario run through my head.

What if I didn't leave?

Did he regret it too?

Would he have went further?

Why, why, fucking why?!

Elijah was right. Why couldn't I just leave things alone instead of fucking shit up like I always do?

Heading out my room, I descended the stairs and made my way to the basement. My parents had the attic for storage and never used the basement since they weren't here often enough to do so. When I began getting serious about swimming, they converted it into a gym for me to train in. I stripped into my shorts leaving me shirtless and glanced around the gym.

Did I like it?

Am I straight, gay, bi, whatever else there is?

Why was I thinking so deeply on this? It could have been a mistake or a ploy to get under my skin like Elijah always does. He could be trying to throw me off my game as revenge for his car.

Did I want it to be real?

Shut up, shut up, shut up brain!

Please...I can't take this.

Running on the treadmill seemed great right now, even if it was my subtle way of trying to outrun my problems. With that thought in mind, I blasted music on the speaker and set up the treadmill. Starting slow, I pressed the up arrow, increasing the difficulty as high as I could manage to try and numb my mind even if it was only temporary. I just wanted everything to melt away.

I wanted my shitty fucking life to melt away. How alone I am. How fucking depressed I am. How I have parents that don't care. How I've dedicated the 'best years' of my life to a fucking sport I may never succeed in. What if this all never paid off; What if I was left with nothing in the end...

I kept running, upping the difficulty more as the dark thoughts I hid away resurfaced. Glaring at my reflection in the mirror as I pushed past my limits, I watched the frustration release bit by bit with every stride. My eyes looked dark in this lighting, my hair dripping with sweat as it matted onto my forehead. I studied my every feature in the mirror, all thoughts now drowned out by the music. I looked tortured, tired, sad...lonely. I watched the way my chest heaved, rough, ragged breaths escaping my lips. My lips. Fuck. Elijah kissing them.