Wots...Uh The Deal

EPILOGUE

WOTS UH THE DEAL
epilogue.

No one knew if what Winnie did had been because of the guy at their school or if it had to do with something completely different. Everyone thought it was about the guy, what else were they supposed to think?

Her mother found her first. . .no mother deserved to see their child gone before they were. The guilt of never being home filled her up to the point she had to turn and upchuck into the toilet right beside them.

They wanted to save enough so they could take their little girl out around the world. . .it was all pointless now. It was her dream just like flying was Dwayne's dream. But just like his dream, hers would never happen.

Speaking of Dwayne. . . he was the worst out of all of them.

Dwayne had never written or talked about his emotions before or his thoughts. He was the type to just keep it all in his head and to himself. . .like most people were. Maybe that's why Winnie recommended it that one day.

But this was too much. He screamed and cried and felt like his chest was physically ripping in half from the heartbreak. It was so many millions times worse than finding out he can't fly.

She was the only one who had willingly gotten to know him. She was his best friend.

He wanted to keep quiet about what he was feeling. . .he hated the pitied looks he got from everyone around him.

But there he was, reading her notebook, Winnies notebook, and he felt the overwhelming urge to sob. He wanted to scream again.

He wanted so desperately to set it down and close it forever for it was her own personal emotions that no one else deserved to look at. It was filled with vulnerability and though she was gone she still deserved some privacy. He hadn't even read the first word.

Yet he needed closure. He needed to know if she went willingly or if it was just bad luck. He needed to know if his best friend, his first love, wanted to die.

She was probably going to hate him, if they ever saw each other again. When they saw each other again. Or she might be completely fine, he wouldn't know until he saw her again.

And they were going to see each other again. . .he was sure of it. He had to be with her again they can't go too long without seeing each kther That was too much to think about in that moment.

So, he opened the book and ended up at a random page. He was going to flip to the front to read it all on one go but the first words on the right page caught his eye.

I remember when I first heard his laugh, the boy from math. Hey that rhymes. Anyways. It was quiet and low as if he was nervous. Maybe he was because I was too. Anyway I heard him laugh again today. It was loud and his eyes crinkled at the sides and it was so great. Dwayne, you have a nice laugh.

And that was the end of that entry. He didnt care about the date he just knew that it was toward the beginning due to how many pages away from the front it was. His chest ached as he read it over and over and over again as though he was trying to remember it for ages. It was as though he wanted it engraved on the inside of his skull.

So he flipped to the first pages, desperate to read more of her thoughts and emotions, and felt himself become glued to his seat as he read entry after entry and tears trickled down his cheeks.

He couldn't stop.

No one came into his room and he never went out. He hardly even moved two inches.

He stopped when he was 10 pages away from finishing to pull out a piece of paper and a pen. He frantically began writing on the page, his brain too scrambled to process all of his thoughts at once.

You drowned yourself yesterday morning.

There was no almost in that first sentence and man did he desperately wish there was. As much as she hated the almost, he felt as though sometimes almosts were better than the definite.

Opposites attract he supposed.

I wish it wasn't true. I think maybe it was an accident or something happened like a murder but the more I think about it the more I doubt it.

I read your notebook, the one I bought you after you tried to run away. Im glad I did buy it, maybe you would've ran away again if I hadnt. Or maybe you wouldn't have. I don't know. Everything is so unpredictable. Anyway I read your notebook, I didnt even know you still had it and I cried.

My chest really hurts Winnie.

That vow of silence was pointless and I wished we never did it so I could hear you go on your rants for longer than I did. Its only been a month and a half. But I think it might have been good because now all the rants you have ever had is on a piece of paper that I can cherish forever, and you know I will.

I don't know why im writing this. There's no specific thing im trying to say. I guess it just makes it feel like you're still here? I don't think you're completely gone. Maybe my parents lied to me and you're laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I sure hope so.

I love the way you write. Some of your sentences just stop out of the blue and others continue going on forever and I just love it so much. I love the way you think.

I should've saved one entry per day so it would feel like we are just sending things back and forth. Maybe I'll do that to the letters your mom found under your bed. You're such a loser.

I think ill just pretend you are off at some fancy boarding school. No now that makes me sound like a loser. Im trying to do what you told me though, writing about my emotions. I don't think these are emotions they're purely just thoughts.

I don't know what else to say, maybe ill figure it out later.

He stared at the page in front of him and read it again before continuing to write. His tears fell onto the paper but he didnt even notice.

God Winnie, you have a lovely mind.

Please come back to me.

Dwayne.

P.s. Your funeral is next Saturday and I don't think I want to go.