Drumbeats into My Heart

25. Seth's Outburst

I'm an asshole. An imbecile. A blockhead. I'd gotten all weird on her and then clammed up about it. It's not fair to her. Why do I do that?

"Thanks for the ride, Tai," Jordi says stiffly as she slams the door shut. After a moment's thought, she adds in a subdued voice, "Bye, Seth."

We watch her disappear inside the building. I want to follow her in and see where she lives, but no, I'd better not. Talk about stalker tendencies. I'd really creep her out then. I've already botched things so badly today, and after having such a good time, too. I don't understand it.

"Dude, what happened?" Tai turns his bulk to face me. "She looks—"

"Pissed, right? She looked mad?"

"Naw, I was gonna say sad. What'd you do, man?"

I tip my head back against the headrest and close my eyes. "I freaked out. Like, bigtime. She said something about going to football games, and I couldn't stop picturing her kissing Dustin the football god."

When Tai doesn't immediately answer, I open my eyes to look at him. He's quietly contemplating the apartment complex. "Look, I'm sorry I told you she was still Dustin's girlfriend." He turns his head back to me, face serious. "I didn't know they broke up. Dustin and I aren't exactly buds."

"That's fine, I needed to find out somehow. Now I know what my competition is." I let out a derisive snort. "Competition. Right. Like I could compete with that."

Tai pokes my arm, which kind of hurts because he's got meaty fingers. "Don't sell yourself short, bro. She likes you. Dustin's a fun guy, but he's a little full of himself, y'know?" He pauses. "If I was a girl, I'd date you instead of him."

The thought of massive Tai as a girl makes me laugh.

"Seriously, dude. Stop psyching yourself out. You're the better man."

After I get home, I head straight for my room and spin around in my old office chair. You're the better man.

Is Tai right? Or is he just being a supportive friend?

"How was the library?" Mom appears in my doorway, a rubber spatula in her hand.

"It was fine. Like any other day at the library." I fibbed because I wasn't sure she'd allow me to go help a bunch of jocks raise money.

"You mean to tell me your football friend spent all day at the library with you?" Something in her voice tells me she doesn't believe me. "I saw him drop you off."

I stop spinning. No matter how many times Tai comes over to my house, my mom still refers to him as my "football friend" with an air of disapproval.

"His name is Tai. And he's the nicest guy on the team. There's more to him than football."

She tilts her head to one side and leans against the doorway. "I'm sorry. Tai. But you didn't answer my question."

Damn. Deflection doesn't seem to work on her. I drop my eyes to my hands. Why do I feel the need to lie to my mother? I never used to before.

When I don't answer, she comes in and perches on the bed, facing me. "Seth," she begins, but seems to have trouble forming words.

I don't look up and begin wringing my hands.

"Seth," she tries again. "Are you..." She sighs, as if dreading the words. "Are you afraid of me?"

My head snaps up then.

She'd nailed it. The source of my anxiety. She looks so open right now, so non-judgmental. Vulnerable even. Not like her usual dictator self at all.

Shame crawls up my neck, making my ears hot, and floods my face. I drop my eyes again, saying nothing. I can't deny it, but I refuse to confirm it either.

"Oh Seth," she whispers as she exhales.

I continue wringing my hands, tension rising. What happens now? This is unfamiliar territory. It's always been Mom yelling, scolding, or nagging at me, and me taking it like a man. Or like a wuss, if I'm being realistic.

"I know I've always been hard on you. Pushing you to do better. I just want you to get more out of life. More than your father did."

My brow furrows as I look at her. "I thought Dad liked being a mechanic."

"I don't want you struggling like we have. I want you to get scholarships and go to a good university. You have a bright future ahead of you because I pushed."

I grip the sides of my chair. Always pushing. Never satisfied. "Why is nothing I do ever good enough?"

There, I said it. The question that has been eating at me for years.

Her face hardens. "Because they don't hand out scholarships to good enough. They give them to the best. And when you come out the other end free of decades of student debt, you'll thank me."

Thank her? She expects me to thank her? For turning me into a neurotic pansy?

Something in me ruptures and I jump out of the chair. "I have no chance with the girl I like because my head is so full of I'm not good enough. People tell me I'm smart, I'm funny, that I'm a good guy, but all I hear is your voice in my head, telling me I can do better. My best is never good enough for you. 'Always room for improvement,' you keep telling me. Well, I'm sick of it! I can't stand who I am around you. I feel like a worthless... spineless..." My voice breaks as my eyes fill with tears. I swipe them away with an angry hand.

My voice falls to a near-whisper as my hands ball into fists. "Sometimes I hate you. And in those moments, I hate myself even more."

Her mouth falls open in shock, eyes welling with hurt. I almost laugh because, for once in her life, she's speechless. But it's nothing compared to the immense guilt that settles onto my shoulders like a monstrous vulture. I'd said what no parent ever wants to hear, effectively plunging a knife into her heart.

I shake my head. I have to get out of there.

"I'm sorry," I mumble before bolting out of my room.

Oh, Seth, here. Have a vote.