Drumbeats into My Heart

67. Seth the Basket Case

Kissing Jordi is undoubtedly my most favorite thing in the world. The only reason I pull away is because I have to breathe.

"You know what I need?" I say, gulping in air. "A snorkel on top of my head. Breathing can be surprisingly annoying."

She giggles and presses her forehead against mine, using the moment to catch her own breath.

Somehow our breaths mingling feels just as intimate as the kiss. I stroke her face, not quite believing she's actually here in my arms.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" I ask.

"Yes," she whispers.

"And you don't mind that I'm a total basket case?"

She smiles. "It's part of your charm."

I grin at this, but it fades. "But that's what got me in trouble in the first place. I can't guarantee I won't freak out again in the future."

"True." She pulls away to look me in the eye. "Next time you feel the overwhelming need to argue the existence of a person's shortcomings, try not to announce it in front of everyone."

I hang my head. "That was so bad. I'm really, really sorry, Jordi. I never meant to—"

She silences me with a quick peck on my lips. "I know. And I'm sorry I avoided you so long. I just... needed time to figure things out."

"And did you?"

Her face falls, and I start worrying maybe the "figuring out" didn't work in my favor.

"I went to see Mrs. Martinez," she says.

"You did? That's great! What did you find out?"

"You were right. Severe dyslexia."

The shadows that continue to linger in the blue pools of her eyes trouble me. I squeeze her hand. "That's okay. They can teach you how to deal with it. There are ways to—"

"I know." She blinks a few times and looks away. "I..."

I take both her hands into mine, wanting to soothe away the furrow between her brows. "What is it?"

"I did something stupid."

"Whatever it is, it can't be any worse than what I did."

Her mouth opens. Closes. Opens again. "While we were apart, I got back together with Dustin."

I drop her hands like she's scalded me. She actually has scalded me. "W-what? Why?"

"I felt betrayed and—and worthless." Her eyes meet mine as she pleads. "I needed to feel normal again."

I lean away from her. "So of course you hook up with Super Jock, my complete opposite."

She shakes her head in short, jerky movements. "There was no hooking up. We went out a few times."

I'm choking on air. "Did you kiss him?"

She doesn't answer. Doesn't have to. The guilt is written on her face like a billboard.

My chest is caving in. My heart is constricting so tightly, it must be imploding. Imploding and forming a black hole that pulls at my ribs, my skin, my soul.

I back away, stunned eyes never leaving her face, until the car's bumper nudges against the back of my legs.

"Seth, I ended it with him." She steps forward, causing me to scoot sideways, so she stops moving. "He's not right for me. I know that now."

My ears have stopped working. The only sound is the blood rushing into the black hole. Leaving me empty. Every time I screw up, she's going to go running to him. Because I'm just some nerd with anxiety issues. How could I possibly compete with a handsome, athletic, popular guy who can grow facial hair?

"Seth, I already ended it with him. I want you."

A teeny tiny voice inside my head whispers that I might be overreacting.

I always thought myself to be a logical person. Avoided feeling things because it was usually painful. But Jordi opened me up. I'm a cracked nut, but now I can't handle it. I want to close my shell back up and shut out the jealousy, the betrayal.

"Seth, it's over."

It's over.

I need to get out of here. Words no longer make sense. Coherent thoughts are sucked away from my enfeebled brain, straight into the black hole.

"I have to go," I whisper, edging around the bumper.

"No, stay. We need to talk about this." She reaches out for me, but I slip out of her grasp, yanking the passenger door open and slumping inside.

Tai stares at me. "You don't look so good."

"We need to leave."

Jordi knocks on the passenger window, causing me to jump. When I raise my eyes to her, she holds up my drum.

I grit my teeth. "I'm not opening this door."

Tai sighs and pops the trunk.

She deposits the drum, slams the trunk, and waits by the passenger window again.

I refuse to acknowledge her. "We need to go. Now."

Tai glances at her, then back at me. "You can't leave it like this, dude."

"JUST DRIVE!"

Tai shuts his mouth and starts the engine. Jordi backs away from the car as he eases it out of the parking spot. Tai gives her an apologetic wave as we pass her.

I tear my eyes away from her and stare straight ahead.

Tai glances at me again. "Dude, you're spinning out."

"I don't care."

Tai faces the road again. "I thought you guys worked it out. I saw you guys kissing. I almost left you there to go find Winnie."

"She cheated on me."

Tai raises an eyebrow at him. "In the parking lot?"

"No!" I slap the dashboard in front of me, causing the glove compartment to drop open. Napkins spill out onto the floor.

Tai frowns at me. "Dude. Whatever your issues are, leave my car out of it."

"Sorry," I mumble, shoving the napkins back inside and slamming the compartment shut. "She got back together with Dustin."

"And she still kissed you? That doesn't seem like her. What was that, a goodbye kiss?"

"No!" I wish the black hole in my chest would suck up all the irritation I'm having with this conversation.

"Dude, you're confusing me."

I sigh and lean my forehead against the passenger window. The glass feels cool against my feverish skin. I probably am spinning out.

Again.

Again? Ugh, Seth your anxious brain is lying to you! Here, press this Vote button a few times. It's therapeutic.