Ineffable Euphoria

Kabanata 12

Kabanata 12...
Immature

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Alessandro really is bipolar.

He's giving me so many mixed signals. Higit pa sa iritado ang nararamdaman 'ko sa trato n'ya sa'king pabago-bago. Hindi ko maintindihan kung kaibigan ba talaga ang tingin n'ya sa'kin, o kung ano lang. He's degrading me, and it hurts me so much even when I try not to admit.

Instead of showing him how vulnerable I am around him, I choose to lash out in fury. Alessandro does not deserve my courtesy if he treats me this way.

I know my worth.

Alessandro:

I'll call.

Wala pang isang minuto nang mabasa ko ang reply n'ya, mabilis nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. Sa irita ko'y imbis na decline ang pindutin, napindot ko ang accept!

"Fucking hell..." In disbelief, I muttered.

Papatayin ko na sana ang tawag nang marinig ko ang salita n'ya.

"Hello?"

"What?!"

"I'm sorry. Naistorbo ba kita?"

Nagngingitngit ang ngipin ko, hindi lang sa galit ko sa kan'ya, kun'di pati na rin sa sarili.

Hindi na dapat ako naiinis ng ganito sa kan'ya, matagal na dapat nang nawalan ako ng pakialam. The first time he disrespected me, I should never have thought of seeing him again, or even thinking about him. But no matter how hard I try to neglect his whole being, I just can't.

It's as if he's already imprinted in my mind.

I hate it.

Maski ako'y nagsasawa na sa paulit-ulit kong litanya na ito. Sinubukan ko na s'yang iwasan noon, hindi kausapin, pero anong nangyari? Sa huli, tinatanggap ko pa rin s'ya.

Wala e... Even if he offends me like he is right now, I can't help but think about how peaceful I am when I'm with him. Although not as calm as the waves crashing on the coast, but as free as a bird flying through the sky.

Kaya ngayon, hindi ko pa rin s'ya natiis.

Nakipagkita pa rin ako. Kahit pa walang kasiguraduhan kung mas mapapanatag ba 'ko kung magkaayos kami, o mas madadagdagan lang ang problema naming dalawa.

Nakapaloob ang dalawa kong kamay sa loob ng bulsa ng aking sweatpants, suot ang isang puting t-shirt habang naka-bun ang buhok.

Its past 11 PM and I am not in the mood to dress up for Alessandro.

Nilakad ko lang ang sa amin hanggang sa pinaka malapit na convenience store. Our guards didn't suspect me to go out at this hour, especially wearing this, kaya wala akong bantay ngayon. It's a blessing in disguise, actually.

Staring blankly as the car passes through the store, I feel the warmth of my coffee on my hands.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ang paninitig ni Alessandro sa'kin, lalo pa dahil katabi ko lang s'ya, kaharap ang kalsada. Halatang-halata ang pagbali n'ya ng leeg para lang pagmasdan ako.

"Have you ever wondered what people think when they have the urge to kill someone?" I spat and look at him dead in the eye.

"Huh?

His hesitant voice almost made me smack him.

"'Cause that's what I feel right now since you want to talk to me, and now you're just sitting there like a good dog. Do you want to know what I think, Alessandro?"