Ambivalence

Chapter 2

Madison Ledger

I was cold, naked and pissed the fuck off. Nurses were touching me constantly, draping blue paper over my body, except on my abdomen. I felt like a corpse and it was making me even more upset. 

Although a small part of me was grateful for the relief. The medicine got rid of the pain almost instantly, but it was replaced with knots forming in my stomach. I don't even swallow ibuprofen and now I'm on fucking morphine. 

"Everything alright?" I recognized the voice, it was Doctor Hood. His presence brought me a little comfort, I knew he wouldn't hold out on our deal and I was grateful he compromised with me.

A nurse responded, "Vitals are okay but her BP is a little high."

Soon he appeared beside the operating table, "It's just nerves," he said to the nurse, "how are you Madison?" 

I could see him smile underneath his mask so I forced one onto my own face. God knows he probably thinks I'm a heinous bitch for screaming at everybody and I want him to know that I'm nice - mostly. 

"I've been better."

He gave me an understanding nod and although I was angry at the whole situation, I bet I scared the living hell out of everyone when I came in here bent over in pain and puking out this morning's breakfast. 

I didn't realize I was crying until Doctor Hood wiped my face with a rag.

"I understand today's been a crazy day, darling. But guess what?" he smiled at me again and even though I couldn't see it, the kind gesture offered me a lot of comfort, "You're about to take a really good nap."

Luke joined in and soon after, an anaesthesiologist was talking me through the sedation process. He handed Doctor Hood a syringe and I clenched my eyes shut, dreading this part the most. 

"Relax, honey," I recognized Luke's voice "You're gonna be perfectly okay."

I felt a cold rush in my arm, making me shudder.

"Don't worry sweetheart, its just the meds."

Next, the anaesthesiologist rested a plastic mask on my face and asked me to count down from ten. 

I immediately pushed it away. I know this surgery isn't that intense, but these things go wrong all the time and I wanted to straighten everything out. Never in my life have I wanted to embarrass my mother and I don't want people assuming things either. 

I grabbed Doctor Hood's wrist, "She told you didn't she? The reason why I refused meds."

He nodded, "She did." 

I wish she didn't, she didn't have to. I was ready to make something up for her and put the whole thing on myself, "Look she's a good mum and she's sober right now, she left rehab two weeks ago."

Luke rubbed my arm gently, "No one's judging your mother, Madison."

I nodded, "I shouldn't have said those things to her." 

"You were in pain and scared, no one's judging you either," assured Doctor Hood. 

I felt a lot better now that they knew the truth, "I'm ready."

Doctor Hood signalled to the anaesthesiologist and soon after, I was counting back from ten. 

Calum Hood

Whilst Luke and I stitched Madison up, I sent one of my interns to tell her mother that everything went well. When everything was ready, we went to scrub out and the nurses transferred her to a recovery room. 

Once I was changed out of my surgery scrubs, I went into her room to find a sight no doctor likes to see; their patient, wide awake and puking all the medicine given to them in the last few hours. 

She was crying again, a bucket pressed to her chest. 

"You can't catch a break, can you sweetheart?" I mumbled to myself. I took over and asked the nurse to give her some anti nausea medication through her IV, hoping she wouldn't puke it all up. 

She gave me a look but I quickly reassured her, "It's nothing Madison, just something to ease your stomach. Her reaction to the medication was probably gonna make her hate them even more, god forbid she ever needs another surgery.

"Some people don't take anaesthesia very well, don't worry, you're okay."

After a few minutes she pushed the bucked away, "I think I'm done."

I got her laying down again and tucked her into bed. She was exhausted clearly. 

"Where's your mum?"

She barely opened her eyes to answer me, just lifted her lids for a split second, "Went out for a smoke."

I showed her the nurse's button and told her to ask for me if she needs anything at all, feeling bad for the day she's had, "Try get some rest, alright honey?"

She was already half asleep so I turned off the light on my way out and told the nurses to let her sleep as much as possible, her body definitely needs it. On my way out of the ward, I ran into her mother. 

She gave me a smile, "Is she okay?"

I explained her negative reaction to the anaesthesia but assured her that Madison would be fine. 

"Well, I should get going. I don't wanna leave her alone any longer."

I gave her a small wave but quickly stopped her again, deciding to tell her about what Madison said in the OR. 

"Ms Ledger, um-" I didn't know exactly what to say, "She defended you in the operating room. I uh, I guess I just wanna say, she's proud of you for staying sober, and I know it doesn't count for anything but, so am I."

She looked at me with glossy eyes, as if no one had ever told her that before. 

"Not a lot of people can do it, even for their kids," I continued 

She nodded, a sad smile on her face, "Um, Doctor Hood?"

"Yeah?"

"You can call me Grace."

I smiled at her, "I'm Calum."