Ambivalence

Chapter 12

Madison Ledger

"So Madison, you don't turn eighteen for another two months which means the surgery can only happen after then. But testing can happen before and it usually takes about a month and a half anyways," explained Calum as he looked through my hospital file.

"The first step is making me her primary care physician so I just need to get you to fill out some paperwork together."

Cal got off his chair and crouched down in front of mine, "Now, Maddy, if you go through with this, you need to take medication. You'll be on morphine for a day or so after the surgery and then you'll be on less intense pain meds."

"Can't we compromise? Like when I got my appendix out?" my voice came out so weak which frustrated me because I don't want to seem vulnerable.

He shook his head, taking my hand in his, "This is a much more intense surgery, Madison. Morphine and any other medication I need to give you is non negotiable."

I understood where he was coming from but I was still really frustrated. Ultimately, I refuse to take meds because of my dad and now, not only do I have to undergo this big operation, but I need to overcome one of my biggest fears.

"You don't have to do this, Madison," said Calum, "You're allowed to change your mind at any point."

"This is a big deal, baby," jumped in mum, "You have every right to have doubts or refuse."

If anyone asked me why I was doing this, I don't think I'd have an answer. I don't love him, I don't owe him anything, he deserves nothing from me.

Maybe it's guilt, that's what it feels like. But I have no idea why I'm guilty.

"Look," said Calum, interrupting my anxious thoughts, "How about we get you into some counseling?"

It seemed like a good idea; a completely objective point of view from a professional.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," agreed mum.

I nodded, "Okay."

Calum rubbed my arm, "I know a great therapist. She specializes in teenagers and family issues and she also happens to be dating one of my best friends, so I'm sure I can get you an appointment asap," he laughed.

"Can you explain everything to mum?" I asked Calum, "I don't really want to be here anymore, no offense."

Calum chuckled, squeezing my arm, "None taken. Let me see if any of my friends are available to keep you company."

Soon Cal hung up the phone, a gentle smile on his face, "My friend Ashton is on his lunch break so he's all yours for the next forty five minutes. He's coming up to get you now."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"No problem, darling."

Cal and mum just sat with me while we waited. The quiet was nice and I just focused on my breathing, wanting to avoid another panic attack. Soon, a knock was heard before Calum's office door opened.

"Hiya," smiled a man also dressed in scrubs. They were different from Calum's though, this guy's scrubs were grey.

"I'm Ashton," he said shaking me hand. He had the cutest dimples and everything about him just radiated comfort.

"Maddy," I replied.

"How about we go for a little walk, Maddy?"

I nodded and followed him out of the room.

"Are we going to your office?" I asked. He chuckled a little, rubbing his jaw, "I don't really know if you'd want to go to my office, sweetheart."

"Why?"

"Well, its a dentist's office. Not the most comforting environment for most people."

I laughed, agreeing with him, "Yeah I don't really like the dentist to be honest."

"How about we go to the cafeteria? Get some coffee or something?"

I agreed and we walked there together, just talking about anything that came up. We thankfully didn't mention my dad or livers or surgery once.

"So you applied for any universities yet?"

"Not yet. I don't know what I'm applying for."

He sat at one of the tables, "You don't have to go to college if you don't want to."

I shook my head, sitting opposite him, "No I want to, I just have no idea what job I want to do."

He tossed me a bottle of water and a chocolate bar, "Well I think I have the best job in the world, so I one hundred percent recommend it," he winked.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "I think you're absolutely delusional."

"Speaking of my job," he chuckled, "I'm sorry, I have to ask. How long have you had the braces in?" he said, sipping his coffee.

"I think almost a year now."

"Which means they're coming out soon?" he said. I shrugged, "They should've come out three months ago but my orthodontist changed her mind."

"I think you should come see me instead." he smiled. Honestly, the idea didn't sound that bad. Being around him was fun, it would definitely make the whole experience less intimidating.

"So what's the deal with my mum and Calum?" I said, raising my eyebrows. Ashton shook his head, "My lips are sealed," he said, pretending to zip his mouth shut.

"Come on, I only get the censored mum version. I want to know the real deal."

Ashton laughed, "Fine, well there's not much to tell. Their date got cut short because Cal was called into surgery. But he really likes her. I don't think I've seen Calum bent over a girl like this since school."

"Mum likes him too," I said, "She usually turns guys down because she has like, relationship trauma I guess, but it's different with him."

Ashton's phone buzzed and he quickly typed a message back, telling me that Cal and my mum are ready. We walked back to the office and I sat back down on the chair I was sitting on before. Ashton ended up staying too.

"Your dad's surgeon is actually one of my friends which makes all of this so much easier," explained Calum, "But that being said, I want you to at least get a few counseling sessions in before we start testing. Your mum agrees. What do you think, honey?"

"Yeah, that works" I said with a nod.

"Great, I'll get you Crystal's contact information and you guys can set up an appointment whenever you're available," he said as he jotted down a phone number on a piece of paper and handed it to my mum.

"Cal and I were gonna go get some dinner, you up for it, baby?" asked mum.

To be honest I really wasn't in the mood and I felt kind of bad that their first date got cut short, "Can I just go home? I'm tired."

"Of course. Take the keys from my bag."

I said bye to everybody and Ashton walked me to the door.

"I'm sure I'll be seeing more of you," he smiled.

"Definitely. Bye Ashton," I waved.

"Bye, sweetheart."