How to Establish Your Gang and Take Care of the Children in It

Rule 18: Let Your Murderer Accept His New Life, and He'll be Happier

Things... didn't actually get much better, Killer thought.

He tried. He really, really tried. He wanted to be better. He didn't want to be trapped in this cycle.

But it all kept piling up. Cut after cut, bruise after bruise. They were all small things, but they just kept happening. Each time, he tried to stop himself. But nine times out of ten, it didn't work. Nine times out of ten, the only way to make the voices shut up was to find some sort of physical pain.

And each of those nine times, he would have to face Nightmare, expecting that this time, the darker skeleton would get tired of playing nice. This time, he'd be kicked out as Mare realized how stupid it was to keep helping a lost cause. This time, he'd be left alone again, because that's all he deserved.

But each of the nine times, all Mare would do was ask if anything specific had happened to make him want to do this. And if the answer was negative- which it usually was- then the goopy skeleton would heal the injury and draw over the scar with a Sharpie. Usually, it was a heart or a smiley face, but sometimes it would be a tiny star or some other intricate drawing. One spot on Killer's arm had all four card suit symbols, all in line and drawn with a precise mastery.

Each of the nine times, Killer would try to apologize, and each time, Mare would refuse it.

"Don't be sorry about feeling hurt," He'd say. "Blaming yourself for this only leads into a downward spiral of pain. Just come to me if you feel this way, alright? That's all I want you to do."

But that was just selfish. He didn't want to take up all of Mare's time with his own problems. Hell, he didn't deserve any of Mare's time. He didn't deserve help. He'd crossed that line the second he'd agreed to Chara's deal. The second he'd taken up weapons against his fellow monsters.

No. Wait. He was doing it again. His mind was putting the same lines on loop in his head, travelling that same painful path.
What was it that Mare had said?

I may not be where I want to be, Killer thought, closing his eyes. But fuck it. This is where I am.

It was hard. It was so hard to tell that to himself. Admitting that he could be better was akin to climbing up a steep cliff. It would be so much easier just to fall, sliding down that slope until he hit rock bottom. It was so much easier just to repeat his promises over and over. Finding new things to live for was painful, because that meant admitting that he deserved to live. There were so many reasons to die. Finding reasons to live hurt a lot more.

A month ago, there was no reason to live, Killer thought, resting his head against the wall. He was sitting against the wall, on the floor in the room he'd been given. Could he even call it his own, when he didn't even feel he belonged? There was only pain. Now there's pain and acceptance. Pain and love. Why can't you just accept it? They want you to be here with them, not despite what you're feeling, but because of it. They care about you.

It was hard to accept. Every time he tried to think positively, it felt like he was reading something off of a sticker. Fun to read, yeah, but not something you'd actually incorporate into your lifestyle. His other, old phrases were so much easier to believe.

But he didn't want it to be easy. He wanted to be better. Making things easier now would just make it hurt more later.

Or, at least, that's what Nightmare said. Killer wasn't sure how much he really believed it.

But fuck it, he could try.

There was a knock at the door, and Killer sighed, standing up to answer it. What time was it? Keeping track of things like that was something he was bad at. What felt like two minutes was actually an hour, and yesterday was actually twenty minutes ago. Nightmare had tried to explain something about relative speeds of different AU's and how time was different depending on where you were, but ninety percent of that had flown over his head. All he knew was that it was either Monday or October and there was no in between. Other than that, he was completely lost.